lazy

I know now why.

Dreams have eluded me.

Because you can't make something out of nothing.

I have forgotten how to be.

Slacker that I am, I managed to push myself to get out and finally mail that application. Yes, I am betraying my own words. Four years ago, I told myself I'd never want to leave my country. I'd never want to be anywhere else, because I am needed there. But look at where I am now. I'm not even thinking in my own language.

It's hard to admit it. But that's just how it is.

I have to stay here, jaded as I am, stuck in my job, though breathing still.

in your face sneaker

Seriously!

Putting your feet up behind a seat while someone is seating on it is absolutely rude! Most movies take up at least an hour and a half to finish and I know that you want to be comfortable but shit, I want to be comfortable, too. I don't need the butt of your sneaker trying to kiss my cheek because you're wedging your shoe in between the seats. Ew...

Fucking hick...

ang sa akin lang naman

Taklesa kasi ako.

Nagsisimula ng gulo.

Eh, malay ko ba. Talagang wala nga akong malay nung sinabi ko iyon.

Natiyempuhan kasing magkakasama-sama kaming mga Pinoy na dealer sa isang break. Ngayon, napunta sa usapan ang hatian ng tip. Bigla kong nabanggit na noon naman, walang tip na natatanggap ang mga kahera. Noon, dadalawa lang ang host na nakikihati. At noon, walang mga slot attendants. At natiyempuhan ring may Pilipinang kahera sa loob ng break room. Hindi ko alam kung nakikinig siya sa usapan. Pero pwedeng pagsimulan ng tsismis. At magbabago na ang paningin ng mga kahera sa akin. Kahit komo totoo ang sinabi ko, hindi maiiwasang masamain nila ang sinabi ko't isiping sugapa ako.

Dahil totoo namang sugapa ako sa pera. Aaminin ko. Prangkahan na iyan. Pero sa totoo rin lang, walang may gusto sa isang sugapa. Lalo na kapag ang tsismis ay may kakayahang mag-evolve. Lalo na at kapag hindi kayang respetuhin ng ibang tao ang pananaw mo. Aba, eh kung pwede lang bang kanya-kanya na lang bakit hindi?

Kasi noon, sa lumang kasino, ang departamentong naghahati-hati sa tips ay ang departamento ng mga dealer at bisor, ng guest services at ng slot attendants. Komo walang slot machines noon sa lumang kasino, dalawang departamento lang ang naghahati-dealer/bisor at guest services. Noon, dadalawa lang ang miyembro ng guest services. Hindi ko mabilang ang bisor at dealer pero hindi kasingdami ng sa ngayon.

Kasi ngayon, sa bagong kasino mahigit kumulang limang daan ang bilang ng mga dealer/bisor. Apatnapung katao ang nasa panig ng guest services. Dagdag mo pa ang isang daang slot attendants. At ngayon, kasama na ang mga kahera sa hatian ng tip.

Ang saklap ng buhay ng dealer ngayon. Dahil ang dating ginhawang tinatamasa ay napingasan dahil sa bagong sistemang nangyari. Bigla na lang itinalaga ang bagong hatian nang hindi man lamang hinihingi ang opinyon ng mga manggagawang kumikita ng tip mismo sa mga kustomer. Walang botohang naganap para hingin ang kung ano mang pagtangging pwedeng maganap.

Ngayon, maraming nagrereklamo. Ngayon, nagkakandarapa ang unyong itinatag para dinggin ang hinaing ng mga empleyado. Ngayon, matapos pagdesisyonang walang matatanggal sa hatian, nag-isip sila ng iba pang paraan para mabigyang lunas ang reklamo ng mga dealer/bisor. Sa bagong sistema ng hatian na kanilang ihinahain para pagdesisyunan, ang departamento ng guest services ay magkakamit lang ng 75% mula sa nahakot na tip. Kung ang bagong sistema ay mapatupad, sa loob ng isang taon, madadagdagan ng $200 ang kita ng isang dealer o bisor o slot attendant at mawawalan ng $3000 ang isang tauhan ng guest services.

At noong ipinalabas nila ang proposal na iyon, may nakasipi pang ibang sulatin na nagsasaad ng tungkulin ng bawat departamento. Kung tutuusin, ang may pinakamaraming trabaho talaga ay iyong mga kahera. Sila ang pinakamadalas masita dahil pera ang pinag-uusapan doon. At sa kanila din may pinakamadalas masisante. Kung tatanga-tanga ka sa trabaho mo, talagang hindi ka tatagal sa pagiging kahera. Pero ang sweldo nila, lamang ng apat na dolyar kada oras tapos makikihati pa sila? Ang pagpapalit ng pera, ilang minuto lang naman nangyayari. Kung mabilis ka, segundo lang, lalayas na sa paningin mo iyang kustomer na iyan. Hindi mangyayaring magbubunganga siya sa loob ng walong oras o mahigit pa dahil wala namang rason maliban na lang kung talagang sira ang ulo niya. Ang guest services, sa hindi naman sa lahat ng oras nakikuhalubilo sila sa kustomer. Kukuha ka lang ng numero, kukuha ng jacket, ngingiti at tatawa ng kaunti. Mga slot attendants, kung ikukumpara mo, palakad-lakad lang ang mga iyan. Kapag may mali sa makina, ilagay mo sa 'report of activity'. Siyempre, komo dealer ako, mas sasabihin kong mas mahirap ang trabaho namin. Isang halimbawa na lang sa isang talagang malas na araw. Kung lasing ang kustomer at napag-tripang maglaro sa mesa mo, kapag mamalasin ka talaga'y walong oras mo siyang makakasama. At hindi lang iyang nag-iisa. Kung mamalasin ka talaga, mahigit sampo iyang mga iyan sa mesa mo, dakdakan ng dakdakan kung paano ka naging bwisit sa buhay nila.

Kung idadaing ng ibang departamento na lahat sila, nabibigyan rin ng singhal ng mga kustomer, nangyayari talaga iyon. Kung ang dahilan ng mga kahera's marami silang ginagawa, para que pa na binigyan kayo $12/oras na sahod kung wala rin lang kayong gagawin?

Isa pang isyu ay ang dami ng kontribusyon sa naiipong tip kada gabi ng bawat departamento. Halimbawa na lang, ang nakukuhang tip ng dealer/bisor ay mahigit kumulang na $16000 sa isang mabentang magdamag. Ang makukuha lamang ng pinaghalong departamento ng slot attendant, guest services at mga kahera ay $3000. Eh, kung magkanya-kanya na lang kaya?

Kaso, hindi pwede ang ganoon. Kahit kamo gusto mo, hindi pwede. Napasama na sa hatian ang mga iyan. Masama naman kung biglang aalisan sila ng parte. Kaya kahit masama ang loob ko, wala na akong magagawa.

boxes of baci

baci

Chi ama non teme la tempesta, teme solo che l'amore si spenga.

Quien ama no teme ala tempestad,solo teme que el amore si extinga

Quem ama nao teme a tempestade, so teme que o amor se apague.

Qui aime ne craint pas la tempete, el craint seulement que l'amour ne s'eteigne.

Who loves fears not the tempest but only fears love's fading.

(Anonimo)

"Dammi tanti baci". That's where they came from. It's Italian, meaning " give me many kisses ". They were wrapped in silver, and comes with a little note. Like that one on top. Like fortune cookies to make you vomit with sentiment. Thanks for the chocolates, by the way. Though I do think it's not necessary.

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Nobody gave a fuck about St. Valentine before the 1800's. Then came some brilliant businessman and elevated him next to Christ. The emphasis was placed on giving love through giving gifts. Now, there are love hotels and everybody's fucking like jack rabbits on St. Valentine's day.

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And yes, I will keep the little love notes. Just because you told me to.

when i grow up

Bitch!

Hindi ko makita kung sino ang tumawag. Letse. Kasi kailangan ko nang magsalamin. Pero tingin ko at kung tama ang hinala ko, rambulan na. Lumingon ako, inaninag kung sino, pumihit at bumalik.

Rambulan na nga.

Ang mahirap lang, eh kapag maliit ka. Kahit anong gawin mo, marunong ka mang umilag, talo ka pa rin. Hanggang kurot lang talaga ang pinaka-deadly mong panangga. Kasi nalaman ko, kahit kasing liit mo ang kalaban mo, kahit na akala mo'y kuha mo na siya't kinakaladkad mo na, pwede ka pa rin pala niyang buhatin at dalhin sa loob ng banyo ng mga lalaki.

Bitch, may araw ka rin.

Nga pala, peksman wala akong nakita.

!!!

Bwisit! It's such a shitty day. Nagising ako ng alas-siete ng umaga matapos ang limang oras na tulog at hindi na ako makatulog ulit. I've to work at five later and I don't know how I'm going to deal while I'm hyped up on painkillers and anti-biotics.

Isa pa, hindi pa yata matutuloy ang pag-uwi ko. Wala nang Boracay. Iiyak na naman nanay ko, ngangawa na naman mga friends ko. Dahil parang hindi ko na naman mapanghahawakan ang mga plano namin.

Ngayon ko lang nalaman na dapat pala may permanent resident card ako para makatuntong ulit ng Canada. Ang meron lang ako ay ang lumang IMM 1000 form, na wala nang silbi. At ang tagal ng tanginang processing ng lintek na permanent resident card na iyan. Limang buwan. Eh, patapos na ang Pebrero ngayon. Nang tinawagan ko sila, wala pang serbisyo dahil may sira yata sa linya nila, puro recorded messages lang. Shet!!!

Moral lesson -huwag ipagpaliban ang mga plano, dapat isang milyong taon pa lang bago ka magbakasyon, plantsado na lahat.

They're so gonna hate me for this but I'm thinking it's better to wait a year for my citizenship papers to fall through before I do any travelling outside Canada.

chocolate pearl milk tea

Woke up four hours later. Mainly because of the noise outside. Eminimem was blaring from this kid's speaker as he was shooting some hoops just across my house. Immediately called Johnny to see what's up. He already phoned Mayuka and they both agreed we'd all go out if I can manage to get out of bed. I have to, anyway. There is this need to get out of my cell and finally feel part of the living and walking society.

+-+-+-+-+-+

We drove all the way to downtown Vancity for dinner. Mayuka knows this wicked Korean restaurant. The place doesn't look too happening, plus the music was too loud. I guess it's the food that's been drawing the people there because we have to wait in line for like ten minutes just to be seated.

Alien food names. I can't remember them even the name of the restaurant but it tasted good, except for the spicy kimchi. I'm such a baby when it comes to hot stuff.

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An hour was wasted with playing pool. Good thing I'm thick-skinned. I barely made the shots but at least the ball didn't shoot out of the table and hit someone.

Dessert came afterwards. We were in this Chinese tea place that looks like an English cottage. I had the sweetest caramel pudding and hot chocolate pearl milk tea. Yum! Discussions filtered from relationships to business ventures to moving out to getting old and finally having kids that would sucker punch you in the middle of the night.

knocked out

Dapat nga tumba na ako. Tatlong klase ng gamot ang nasa sistema ko kanina, dalawang lagok ng painkiller. Ewan ko ba kung bakit matatag ngayon ang sistema ko? Hindi ako ma-knock-out.

Ilang oras lang ay tatawag na si Johnny. Himala at nagkaroon ulit ng day-off. Labas kaming tatlo nina Mayuka, malamang hatak na rin si Ben no'n.

Nagbasa na ako ng libro, sumubok matulog sa lapag, uminom ng gatas, kumain ng kumain, nanood ng sine. Pero hindi pa rin mapagod-pagod ang mata ko. Siguro kung katabi ko si Bon, mas madali akong makakatulog. Sana nga lumabas na lang ako kasama ni Albert. Tiyak sa kumbinasyon ng toma't droga, makakatulog ako.

Ikaw? Anong panghele mo sa gabi?

mister and miss perfect

Yeah, he did manage to come over, waking me up in the middle of my sleep. And guess what he got? Yep, the dolls.

He thought it'd be something to cheer me up because they talk weird. When you press Ms. Perfect's hand, she'd say " Don't even think about cleaning up after you and your friends, honey, that's what I'm here for". The Mr. Perfect doll talks along those lines as well-" Let's invite your parents over for dinner".

I told him to return them.

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Albert phoned a minute ago. We talked about going out tonight because it was his birthday week. And I forgot about it, also forgot to greet him on the day of his birthday. Plus, I'm too weak to go out. Sorry, Albert.

ang daing

I can't sleep. I'm still up till now. What with the drugs fucking up my system. And that feeling that I've been duped into buying something that I don't really need. This frigging surgery. Actually I should be sleeping by now, what with that other drop of painkiller. So pardon me if I'm not making any sense, which would be like...about everyday in this blog.

Anyhoo, I thought of bugging Davidson on his cellphone, so I called the clinic again. Somebody actually answered. It was Bonnie, saying they start at noon on Fridays now and that they forgot to change the recording. She told me, without even me asking, that I don't need to pay for anything since they overlooked the part that my benefit year goes on a different cycle. I'm the only one I think. Out of a thousand patients or something like that, she can't really remember now, because most of them start their years from January to December and not the awkward August till July cycle like mind,did I actually type mind? So Caroline didn't even bother to check, since she was assuming that I was with the January till December cycle. So yeah, I'm free now.

One more rant. Bon was supposed to come over after work but got distracted over dolls. I don't know whether to cry or laugh. Especially when even he himself uttered the word 'retarded', no offense to retarded people, I know I'm not politically correct and I am digressing. Are you bored yet?

Good. Cause I think I'm about to pass out now.

hayok

Talaga lang. Pangatlong araw na akong nagpapakalasing sa sopas. Sinubukan kong kumain ng pansit pero masakit siya! Nasisiraan na yata talaga ako ng ulo sa hindi pagkain. Cheese and broccoli soup never tasted better. We're talking about a vegetable here, people. Allergic pa naman ako sa mga ganyan hanggang ngayon.

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Sarado nga pala ang lintek na klinika ngayon. Hindi pa man nalilinawan ang gulo, pinagmumura ko na silang lahat. Dahil gutom ako!

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Nasubukan mo na bang ngumuya gamit ang harapan ng ngipin mo? Mahirap palang masakit ang bagang. Lalo na't pag may butas ang apat na kasuluk-sulukan ng bunganga mo. Mawawalan ka ng gana.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Kung kaya't lumabas ang pagka-iyakin ko. Hindi ko na talaga kaya. Kailangan ko ng totoong pagkain!

a lesson in exaggeration

I rue the day that I agreed to having them removed. Looking back, I should have just choked it down, the pain that tears my skull to brittle fragments whenever one of them so called wisdom teeth asserts its existence amongst his already established family members. If I could turn back time, I surely would go back to that situation wherein Davidson proposed that dreadful appointment and surely as I am suffering from these threads that are wiggling like tapeworms trying to escape from the grinding of my molars, I would have told him to grab that drill and shove it down his piehole.

Maybe there is absolutely no need to freak out. Period. As the master negotiator with the business-phone-y voice adviced, I should just wait for them to call me back and succinctly say 'fuck it' whenever they mention that bill.

But how can I not freak out, when I'm stuck with a six hundred dollar bill which I am not responsible for, worried that it might go against my perfectly pure credit record simply due to that harpy's deceptive act? How can I not freak out when that sweet,caring assistant phoned this morning to superficially ask how I am feeling before turning into this bearer of ill fortune telling me that she'd call me back, hopefully to tell me that it was all a mistake on their part but made me wait like a lovestruck idiot instead over the telephone for her cheating sweetheart to ring? How can I not freak out when there's another set of lips within the back of my mouth, creating a special nook for the littlest naughty bits to hide and stomp on the poor gum till it would scream infection, when the irritable stitches are unravelling and me not knowing if they are supposed to unravel and when there are freaky parts of skin that I think the dentist should have cut cleanly for it to heal faster. Most of all, how can I not freak out when I have to call them tomorrow since they neglected to call me back because I need reassurance that everything will be alright else they better fix this mess for free.

I know it may not be a big deal to you and that there are countless bigger shits that explode around the globe but it's a big bloody deal to me while I am reading this Business Practices and Consumer Protection Act, instead of going to bed with a full stomach because my gums can't tolerate even the softest grain of rice, instead of getting my much needed sleep by now without waking up to literally bloody drool on my pillow. I am here trying to formulate my plan of attack, to plead my case ever so nicely and accurately slam reason up their wrinkly asses.

Maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe it will all be sorted out tomorrow. Now, where are my damn painkillers?

pati ngipin, pineperahan na

Nabunot na nga ang apat na ngipin salamat sa mabigay na kamay ng dentistang si Davidson. Buti na lang may pampatulog. Mala-date rape drug ata iyon. Gising ka pero halos di mo malaman kung anong ginagawa sa iyon. Napapangiwi ka na lang sa loob.

Ayoko nang tingnan ang mukha ko sa salamin. Hindi ko na maramdaman ang panga't labi ko kung kaya't malamang maga na sila. Pagdating sa bahay, pilit pa akong pinapainom nang gamot. Buti na lang hindi ko nakagat ang pisngi sa loob ng bibig ko. Dugo nang dugo ang lintek. Kailangan pang magpalit ng bulak. Tatlong klase ng gamot ang dapat inumin. I hate pills.

At ang mas madugo ay ang pagwawalang-bahala ng isang dental receptionist.

Flashback mo nga 'tsong...

November 2004

Ang tagal no'h!


Kakalinis lang ng ngipin ko. Nang tinanong na naman ako nitong Caroline na 'to kung gusto ko na bang magpabunot. Sinagot ko siya ng tanong.

" Am I going to be fully covered for the operation? Like, I don't have to pay for anything,right?"

" Yeah, it'll be next year anyway."

Sige na nga. Why bother delaying the inevitable? Pakipot pa ako,hetong libre na nga.

Fastforward mo na...

February 2004, a day before judgement day.

Ginising ako ni Caroline. Good fucking morning after two hours of sleep!!! Nakalimutan kong patahimikin ang telepono ko. Maayos naman ang pananalita ko. Dinaan ko na lang sa pagtawa ang mga katagang "sorry about my voice, I just woke up". At siyempre, tinanong ko ulit kung may babayaran ako sa pagpapabunot na iyon. Sabi niya, wala na daw.

At ngayon, diretsahin na natin ang puno't dulo ng inis ko.

Iyong karelyebo ni Caroline na si Bonnie, tumawag kaninang umaga. Kinamusta ako. Nang malamang hindi naman ako naghihingalo, bigla niyang sinabing hindi daw covered lahat. Punyeta talaga. Ang rason lang kung bakit ako hindi papasok para lang magpakamasokista'y dahil libre. I'm not going to shell out three bills so I can nurse my chipmunk cheeks in a week.
Bahala sila diyan. I'll call you back na lang ang drama ni Bonnie.

Hanggang ngayon, alas sais na ng gabi, eh, hindi pa niya ako tinatawagan.

Bahala nga talaga sila diyan.

tarot

Do you believe in fate? Does luck play a role in your life? Or is it mere coincidence?

Then there's that butterfly effect. You know, that theory wherein a seemingly insignificant flap of an infinitesimal butterfly's wings in the south can cause a change in wind patterns that can snowball into something as huge as a freaking tsunami in the north?

It's unnerving to think that your actions are not simply your own. You'd start to horoscopes, go by your lucky colors, stick to the right numbers. Get into the flow of that prediction. Pretty soon you'll be reading tarots.

You would be so adept at it, your hand would no longer shake with trepidation as you open that first card. Boom! Here comes the High Priestess. Onto the Chariot. And finally, the Fool.

Don't be too impulsive in your love life today! The High Priestess isn't able to rein in the Chariot today, and you're about to rush into a new affair with your eyes tight shut. Caught up in the whirlwind that the Fool and the Chariot have whipped up in your life, you act with the eagerness of a puppy, without really considering the effectiveness of your strategy.*

And that's when you start to make excuses.

*actual tarot reading...guilty of snagging it

boogeyman

Yeah, the movie. That movie.

Nakakainis. Nakakabitin. Napapalapit tuloy ako kay Alfred. Pilit isinisiksik sarili ko sa kanya. Para namang lalabas iyong boogeyman (sinabing may lingon sa likod). At para namang kaya niya akong ipaglaban. Napapapulupot tuloy ang nasabing Alfred sa akin. Napatili pa. Sa dulo ng lahat, pakiramdam ko'y parang nasayang lang ang pera ko. Oh well, hihintayin ko na lang ang paglabas ni Constantine.

Ang dami naming nanood. Kalahating batalyon 'ata. Puro katrabaho niya sa dating pinagtrabahuan. Ako lang yata ang alien doon. Buti naman universal na ang appeal ng poker at hindi naman napanis ang laway ko.

xoxoxoxox

It's weird. A 'saturday' without seeing Bon. I feel like something's missing.

A00620349

January 17, 2005



Dear xxxxxx,

We are pleased to offer you Full Acceptance to the First Level of the Financial Management program which begins on September 6, 2005.

To confirm your acceptance:

You are required to pay a non-refundable/non-transferable commitment fee of $200.00 no later than January 31, 2005.

And you know what the killer is?

I received that letter today!

I don't think I should bother.