numb

...

Something takes a part of me..Something lost and never seen...Everytime I start to believe...Something's raped and taken from me...from me...Life's gotta always be messing with me ... (You wanna see the light)...Can't they chill and let me be free (So do I)...Can't I take away all this pain... (You wanna see the light)....I try to every night, all in vain...in vain...Sometimes I cannot take this place...Sometimes it's my life I can't taste...Sometimes I cannot feel my face...You'll never see me fall from grace...Something takes a part of me...You and I were meant to be...A cheap fuck for me to lay...Something takes a part of me...Feeling like a freak on a leash (You wanna see the light)...Feeling like I have no release... (So do I)...How many times have I felt diseased...(You wanna see the light)...Nothing in my life is free...is free...Sometimes I cannot take this place...Sometimes it's my life I can't taste...Sometimes I cannot feel my face...You'll never see me fall from grace

...

i miss korn...

pancake on your head!

backdrop:

Pinapakain kami ng kumpanya. May pagitan ng apat na oras ang kainan. Halimbawa, mag-uumpisa sila ng serbisyo ng alas sais ng umaga at matatapos ng alas otso. Ang kasunod, pananghalian na, alas dose ng tanghali hanggang alas dos. Kuha mo na ang sirkulo ng lamunan?

Ngayon ang tsismis:

Kumakain daw sila ng agahan. At bigla raw nagalit ang isang 'bisor (supervisor) dahil mukhang hindi raw na-de-frost ang pancake. Sa tindi ng emosyong nadarama ng nasabing bisor, aba, itinampal daw sa mukha noong serbidor ang naturang pancake. Iyan ang bayolente!

Kuwento lang naman 'to sa akin ni Albert. Puro "apparently" pa nga ang laman ng kuwento niya dahil narinig din lang niya. Alam mo naman ang balita, nag-e-evolve iyan.

pahabol

Sa wakas, nakawala na rin si Johnny sa pagiging alipin. Well, at least for one day. Eh kasi naman walang ibang maasahan ang mga magulang niya sa kanilang kainan kaya't siya ang ginawang trabahador habang ang mas nakakatanda niyang kapatid ay pabili-bili lang ng hentai. Nakunsesiya naman ang kuya, nagkusang magtrabaho at bigyan si Johnny ng natatanging day-off matapos nang halos tatlong buwang pagkayod. Iyan ang tinatawag na martir.

Dapat pasko pa kami nagkita-kitang magkakaibigan kaso hindi siya pwede. Nabulok na mga regalo ko sa kanila, natunaw na yelo at hindi pa rin kami nagkatagpo. Tiyempo namang walang pasok si Mayuka, siyempre,dahil Sabado bukas kung kaya't lalabas na rin kami. Sa wakas.

Yeyness.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Naaya ako ni Bon na sumama sa dinner party kasama ng mga katrabaho niya. Komo mga dealer rin sila, sumama na ako. May mapapag-usapan naman kami. At nalaman kong dahil may unyon sila, mas malaki kinikita nila kaysa sa amin. Langyang kumpanya ko, ang barat.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Trip kong umuwi sa bakasyon. Nag-aayang pumunta ng Boracay. O ano, sama ka?

click

Morning went a little something like this...

" Hey I forgot to call you earlier. I know it's stupid but I'm just calling to make sure you weren't late."

" I'm pretty pissed." He told me in a crisp grave voice, sounding so business-like I know something was up. There was always that change in his voice when he's trying to negotiate something.

" Okay...So you'll call me later then after you're done. I'll probably be waiting for you at Starbucks in Metrotown."

" Actually, I know we made plans to watch a movie tonight but don't you want to watch a volleyball game instead?"

What the fuck?

"What volleyball game?"

"Well, Don and Howard are in a tournament together and they are playing tonight." Don and Howard. There's nothing wrong with them except all they talk about is sports and nothing else. I feel totally left out. Even when I start some small talk to get a conversation going, all I get is a clipped response. None of them had able social skills to even try and include me in. I wouldn't even bother to try again. Fuck that shit.

" Fine. Just be with them then. I'm not coming out tonight".

" Well, we could watch a movie and then I could go out with them Saturday night."

By then I was pretty pissed myself. My ego couldn't handle it. His friends ring him up and he sells me out. What the fuck!

Before I could say anything else, he hung up.

I called right away but all I got was his answering machine.

Letting my temper simmer, I waited.

Fuck this shit.

I called him again and left a message.

" Hey, it's Kathy calling. Clearly I'm not one to compromise. I need some time off.

Evening,because I stupidly didn't set my phone to silent and I stupidly answered my phone without checking who was calling.

" Hey, I'm off in thirty minutes. Are we still going to watch that movie?"

" No. Just be with your friends, man. I don't want to see you again."

Click.

mga gabing ewan

Minsan, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit may mga gabing ewan. May mga taong ewan. At kung bakit ako nilalapitan? Isang napakalaking ewan.

Kaya simula ngayon...

...bawal nang makipag-usap kahit kanino

...bawal sabihin kung bakit wala kang sasakyan

...bawal sabihin na ang hatid sundo mo'y bus.>

And most of all...

...learn how to say " FUCK OFF!"

bwisit

Mamaya, mga mahigit kumulang tatlumpo't isang minuto mula ngayon, darating dito ang inspektor ng bahay. Wala lang. Titingnan lang niya kung hindi ba namin binababoy itong pinaparentahan niya, kung wala bang sira, at kung meron man, ano para maipaayos na niya.

Walang naiwan sa bahay kung hindi ako at tatlumpong minuto mula ngayon, darating na iyon. Kailangang hintayin ang pambubulabog.

Bwisit!

Aba mataas na ang araw. Sa mga taong buhay bampirang tulad ko, ang gabi'y araw at ang umaga'y oras ng paghihilik.

Basta pagdating sa pagtulog ko'y talaga namang madamot ako. Kahit kamo bumaha na't lahat, nagsisigawan na ang mga tao't mamaya-maya lang ay katabi ko na ang kung anu-anong mga appliances sa bahay, eh, humihilik pa rin ako*.









*based on a true story. Yea man, noong bata ako, kapag bumabagyo, bumabaha sa bahay namin sa Bacolod. At kapag nangyayari ang ganoon, inilalagay nila sa kama ang mga appliances para hindi daw kami makuryente. Iyon nga, bumaha, nagkagulo, pero hindi pa rin ako magising-gising. Naglaway pa kamo. Ew, yucky, kadiri.

spring should spring into action

Talaga lang ha! Ang lamig kasi.

Just when I thought that everything would melt by now, it snowed yesterday...as I was walking to work! How dare thee cry tears of crystal when I'm outside!

Iniisip kong magbago ng lay-out. Na naman. Kasi naglabasan na ang spring fashions. Makisabay nga.

Truly. My passion is fashion.

How cheesy is that? Nyehehehe.

Pero totoo, masaya akong nagbabantay sa kung anong bago, 'hip' at 'happening'. Mababaw ang kaligayahan ko. At kung may sapat lang akong lakas ng loob, lipad na ako papunta doon, noh? Kaso, ang daming horror stories na narinig sa mga past graduates na kilala ng siyota ko. Tulad ni John, straight black guy. Who is supposedly in fashion. Walang makitang trabaho sa larangan niya. Prepared ba ako sa ganoon,day? Gutom ang aabutin mo. Pero may sagot ako diyan. Deep down inside my heart, I know, it's not how much money you make. Besides, isn't it fashionable to be skinny anyway? Kaya huwag ka nang mag-worry kung wala kang makain.

Ngayong malapit na ang isang buwan, malapit nang ibigay ang resulta kong tanggap ba ako o hindi sa lintek na accounting program na 'yon, parang pinagdarasal ko na sana, huwag na lang. Kasi naman, eh. Aanhin mo naman ang pera kung araw-araw naman...you're so bored you'd want to kill yourself with a letter opener just to wake up from that zombie-like state. (no offense to accountants, kailangan ko lang ng drama sa buhay). Mas nakakatakot naman iyon kaysa magutom ka.

Bottom line. I'm still arguing with myself. At ang kuwento'y patuloy na neverending.

katamaran unedited

Supposed to meet up with Mayuka today. Got lazy. Even lazier typing this.

Actually I only had four hours of sleep on the account that I had to wake up 'early' so that I'd be able to hook up with her in downtown vancity. I was half-awake wishin' I was baked talking to her on the phone to tell her I'm not motivated enough to get out of bed. Supposed to get a haircut, too. My hair needs trimming. And maybe highlights. Or even a brand spanking new color. Though I've to prepare for years on end to support that habit if I'm to start messing with my hair.

I digress.

Hmm...wasn't that the point of this blog, anyway? To ramble on and on about the little incidents that pepper my otherwise pointless existence.

That sounded pathetic. Maybe I'm clinically depressed.

I don't know why I'm lazy. I feel like I'm about to burst with energy my body hurts just sitting down and tap tapping away at the keys. Maybe it's just because of the damn season. No wonder these north americans get bloated. With cold days like these, you just wanna stay at home, curl up in front of a warm fire or radiator and stare at the telly while munching on micky d's special of the day. Be fascinated by people living their imaginary lives while you sit there and grow fat lumps. Makes me wonder why I'm still made of skin and bones when what I've been doing day in and day out is sleep and more sleep, occasionally work (did I spell occasionally right?).

Soon as everything thaws out, I should force myself to take them driving lessons three days a week, enroll in some whatever class so I'd be doing something else other than getting excited while waiting for my favorite shows to finish downloading.

pasiklaban

Delubyo ang dumaan sa isang parte ng mundo't libo ang nagkusang tumulong kung paanong libo libo rin, (milyon pa nga, eh noh!) ang mga donasyong natanggap.

(ano ba yan, pakiramdam ko baku-bako ang takbo ng pananagalog ko)

Minsan nga parang nagpapasiklaban pa iyang mga iyan, eh, noh?

Noh?!>

Pero ang magandang balita, pinantayan na ng kumpanya namin ang mga naipong donasyon ng mga tao. Sa apat na milyong kita ba naman nito bawat araw, magdadamot pa?

stop and eject 001

I have no need for other people. Weird, isn't it. I sometimes want to be with other people, but, being with myself is enough. Arrogant? I think so.

I need help. I need to go out more and need other people. I do chill with people sometimes, but I get sick of them eventually.

But no matter how sadistic your ways are, some of them keep coming back and some don't really go away. I have to take drastic measures.

Reminders to self:

Don't ever let them drive you home. That way, they won't know where you live and won't follow you home, waiting by your doorstep at minus four degrees of freeze-your-ass-weather till you come out and take them back.

Don't get a contract for your mobile airtime. Ever. That way, it's easier to change plans and phone numbers.

Don't ever tell them your real name. That way, when they come looking for you, people will think they are crazy.

as usual

A typical day in the life of. I'm dealing, just dealing. Hindi ko na pinapakinggan ang mga usap-usapan nila. Kasi naman wala na akong pakialam sa mga ganoon. Minsan nga kahit itsura ng mga bagong players hindi ko na matandaan. Pero hetong hirit na ito'y hindi makakalagpas...

" You know, for the average woman, four inches is enough. But wide!"

At komo ako lang ang babae sa mesa, tinginan silang lahat sa akin.

What the fuck?

" I'm working, man. I ain't got nothing to do with you guys or whatever it is that doesn't concern the game. "

Tapos hihirit pa ang isa...

" What about for guys?"

Siyam na pares ng mata ang lumipad patungo doon sa humirit ng ganoon.

"What are you, a queen?!"

" You're a queen..."

" No, you're -the- queen!"

Hay...

Kailangan mo pa silang sigawan para tumigil. Parang mga bata. I should change my designation to babysitter instead of dealer.

yelo

floating and floating and fading away...

stuff to do...

*buy a winter coat made of wool or something stuffed with down-so your ass won't freeze 'cause of the damn snow.

*ask for a leave of absence-'cause you need...stress 'need'...your wisdom teeth pulled out. Yes, all four of them 'cause your dentist would not pull only two as you wanted. If by then you can't muster up the courage for that much 'needed' surgery, then just cop out, don't forget to call them a week before your appointment and lie to them that you can't get time off work.

*grab a phonebook, locate an optometrist preferably within walking distance-so you can buy glasses or contacts or whatever so you can stop squinting and actually see things instead of only trying to see them.

*get a cd album and some form of filing system for bills,receipts and other important documents.

*contact your driving instructor-spring is coming and so is your road test date.

nginig

Something scary this way comes.

It's confirmed. My mind is shrinking.

Seriously. Sometimes, I feel like I can't carry string intelligible words together. Filipino words jumbled with English phrases muddling up my thoughts.

Another scary thing. I don't want to go back to school anymore. However, I already sent my documents for them to dissect. Or maybe it's just the fear of rejection. What if they think I'm not qualified? That really could mean I'm stupid. Aaargh!

Insecurities bubble up to the surface like irritating blemishes on my skin.

I just wish they'd take me in. If not, the decision would be easier. If they'd reject my application, I'll be a lifer in this poker dealing job.

Not that there's anything wrong with it in my opinion. I could survive with the salary, it's far from boring and I certainly thrive in conflict. Somehow, the tiny demons in me would be giddy when they'd sniff impending confrontations amongst the players.

It's just that my mom keeps pushing me to get a 'career'. Even my dad, though he doesn't really say anything, only that his eyes lit up when I told him that I applied to learn to be a number cruncher. Then he lapsed on into ramblings about me having a degree and becoming a certified general accountant. The only good thing I can imagine about being that is having a bigger salary and being able to wear killer suits. But the prospect of being tied down in a cubicle makes me want to claw at the walls.

Yeah, maybe I should just leave it at that. If the school rejects my application, then I should just resign myself to being a dealer. If I somehow slip into the program, then...nah, I don't want to think about that yet.

bisperas

Nothing out of the ordinary happened. Got wasted, had fun, was momentarily happy. Woke up due to hunger and slept for most of the first day of the year. Hope the rest of my year will be productive since I was a sloth in the beginning of it.