ang nakaraan

Heto ako't nagpapalipas ng oras, sa bisperas ng bagong taon, habang naghihintay matapos ang pag-inog ng labada. Isang pelikula na ang nakaraan, dalawang oras ng buhay kong nasayang, nawala na parang bulang hindi ko na maibabalik pa.

Time trickling by, dropping like the sand of my heritage into that murky bottom of the hourglass. I'm wondering what force will turn it around so that I may slip back into myself again?

Kahit sarili kong salita'y hindi ko na mabigkas. Namumutawi na lamang kapag nagugulat. Paminsan 'fuck' pa nga ang lumalabas sa bibig ko't hindi 'puta'.

I can't help it. I am surrounded by them.

Nakakahiyang aminin sa sarili kong ayaw ko nang bumalik kahit kailan. Ang nakaraan ay nakalipas na at kasama na doon ang lumang ako. Ang lupang sinilangan, kinasadlakan ng dusa't pangamba, dambana ng una kong pag-ibig. Nanghihinayang ako, gusto ko mang balikan, sa tingin ko'y hindi ko na kaya.

Nandito ako. Sa gitna ng bukas at kahapon. Isang buntonghininga lang, isang ngiti tungo sa bagong direskyon.

But it seems that I do not have the strength to exhale.

two dollar poker

This is my life so far. Two dollar poker.


Instead of partying on Saturday night, I was at Bon's house teaching his homeboys a lesson in poker (read as kicking their asses).


There was his brother Pierre, his godbrother Ray and Pierre's friend, Joseph. After gnawing on ribs at Boston Pizza, Bon just decided not to drive all the way to Richmond were my co-workers are getting drunk at our Christmas party. He decided to just go home and play poker instead. Boy, was I pissed. I actually dressed up and put on make-up because I thought, even though it was already almost midnight, he would still drop me off at the Blox where I gave my word to my co-workers that I'd come since someone hooked me up with a VIP pass.


But I had to back down on that one. For some reason, I didn't want him to feel like my bitch in front of his buddies.


So we went home and pooled in two bucks for each game session. Winner takes all in no limit texas hold 'em. I was about to lay it down easy and actually play straight but they had to be lippy. Something about their aggressiveness irritated me. It was arrogance backed by ignorance of how the game is played. After a few sessions of watching World Poker Tour on the idiotbox, they think they know it all. It was a home game, amongst acquaintances but it seemed like a war between nations. They were pushing me needlessly, calling my raises or bets with nothing at all. That kind of weakness only calls for more blood.


That was the easiest eight bucks ever.


Yep, only eight bucks. After one game, Bon and Pierre were called into an "emergency family meeting" by their big bro Ian. Yep, the one who's freaked out about his impending wedding. They locked themselves in the computer room for an all-out-shout-session blaming each other for what hasn't been done yet and the wedding is only a couple of days away.

what the f*!!!

About a month ago, I was bragging about that five hundred dollar gift certificate that I won from my company. Once I got the certificates, I immediately headed to the mall to buy my mini ipod.

They told me in two weeks, I'd be grooving with it.

Two weeks passed and not a word from them. A month passed and I had to call and ask what the fuck has happened. Someone with little sense about customer service put me on hold for five minutes or so after this conversation.

" I ordered a mini ipod or ipod mini, whichever you prefer, about a month ago. You told me that it will be shipped in two weeks. I'm just wondering what happened to it. "

And his brilliant answer was.

" What kind of mini ipod is it?"

" What do you mean what kind of mini ipod is it? Did you need the item number, the invoice number, the receipt number or did you mean to ask what color it was or who it was from?"

" Can I put you on hold? "

And without even bothering to wait for my affirmative he just put me on hold.

Then I heard a resonating click.

Fuckers.

So I phoned again. NO word about my order. The clerk can't tell me what the fuck happened to it or why was there a delay with the shipment. Are they still assembling a factory together to assemble my coveted mini as I rant at them on the phone? Bloody hell.

They really suck!

RADIOSHACK SUCKS!

*a rather immature but enlightening commercial brought to you by a pissed off customer

b1,b2 at bo

Friday was an equally interesting day. It's the day that I start to mellow out because I'd get to talk to Bon and not worry about him whenever we're not together. Seriously, I am utterly helpless when it comes to relationships. I somehow abhor the idea of not being alone, of having to worry about someone other than myself. If it was just me, I can handle things perfectly because I have a huge ego to accompany me. But somehow, when I am with Bon, that hot air balloon gets deflated whilst all my insecurities rocket to the moon. And then I turn into this psycho.

By Friday, as I was saying earlier, forgive me if this is a bit redundant but shit it's my goddamn diary, all my worries start to crawl away because I know I'm going to be seeing him, I know that if shit happens to him, I'll be there to straighten things out. Weird, yeah, tell me something I don't know.

What else do I hate?

hatecase number one:

I hated that I have a migraine now because one of the players in my table fucking stinks. I really mean that. His name's Noah. Maybe when God taught him to haul all the animals, he didn't have time to take a bloody bath. Until now. He really stinks! Everytime he moves his arms, that horrible body odor seeps from his armpits and pollutes every one around him. I have to exhale everytime he does that, hold my breath and pray that I don't puke right there and then. I have to bite my tongue so as not to gag. It would have been rude. Ugh. Writing about it now makes me want to puke.

hatecase number two:

There's this fucking idiot player that I think still belongs in the dark ages.

" Poker is a man's game. "

What a chauvinistic pig. Wait, that's an insult to pigs. What a chauvinistic asswipe.

hatecase number three:

I am disgusted by Asian parents who don't give a shit about their culture, coming to Canada for a better future thinking they could shed their skin and be fucking no-sunshine-on-your-ass-white. It annoys me to no end. They blatantly talk to their children in English even though their sentences are peppered with horrible grammar and pronunciation. I understand this need to blend in to the current system, go with the flow shite but I don't understand this complete disregard for their native tongue.

I hate it that my boyfriend knows only a few cuss words in Filipino and I hate seeing Filipino people rather talk in English albeit the misconstructed sentences ( I know my shit doesn't smell sweet as well but I just hate it when people try hard to be all that thinking that they'd be way more sophisticated if they talk in English).

Hence you get these "bastards" who talk like they are black because it's the current trend and don't know shit about their own language except the very famous powtenginamow.

Which takes me to my last hatecase for today:

Rodney Vargas.

He talks to much. He fucking flirts with every dealer that he thinks has got a cunt only to make himself look cool in front of other players. I guess it's part of his job to try and charm people because he is a promoter for some nightclub. But I'm annoyed that he tried to pick me up even though I would throw verbal backhands at him every now and then. He's too stupid to probably get it. Or just trying to be nice. Either way, I hate flirting.

After my shift, my co-worker handed me his business card and a promotional flyer for a 'Christmas' party. I was about to chuck them away when I spotted James the bitch (thanks for the rubber duckie).

" Look, I got a new boyfriend, James!"

He gives me a look that says 'Who's that stupid to pick you up?'. I showed him Rodney's card.

" Why don't you keep it and when you don't have anything better to do, call this guy up and tell him not to flirt with your girlfriend or else you'll castrate him? "

I guess he was too chicken to pull that prank because he just laughed this awkward laugh.

I am mean. And narcissistic. Oh well.

winter wedding

Truly. Naloloka ang lola n'yo. Grabeh. Ever. Ewan ko ba kung bakit hindi na lang ako nasunog nang kinana ko ang anak ng live-hard Catholic lola na 'to. Minsan iniisip ko, bruha iyong nanay na iyon at nagpalamon ng gayuma sa akin para tumagal ako sa anak n'ya ng ganito. Kunwari pa siyang sister of something something, witch pala ang dating niya.

Bloody stressed out. Kumbaga kapag inilagay ako sa photoshoot ngayon, at sinabi ng photographer sa akin na " give me bitchy", I'll probably give them fucking death, instead. Kasi ba naman noh, ever, ang mata ng loleng na 'to ay namumuti na kakaproblema.

Truly. Hindi ko naman problema iyon. Si Bon kasi, may kapatid. Iyong kapatid niya, member ng singles for christ na lumayo sa tamang landas at kinirengkeng ang isa pa ring miyembro ng singles for christ. Nagkeringkingan silang dalawa. Kering keri ang mga lovebirds kaya ngayon, may kinekeri na silang beybi. Kaya hayan, ang kanilang mother na strictly catholic ay nagpupumilit na ikasal sila before the beybi bursts out.

Eh, itong kapatid ni Bon, ewan ko na lang. Noong nagpamudmod yata ng diskarte ang mothernature or god or whatever, natutulog sa tabtaban. Nag-set sila ng date ng kasalan, namili ng pagkamahal-mahal na damit sabay hinayaan na ang ibang mga etstebureste ng kasalan nila. Ignore na yang reception, yang mga giveaways, paano ang dekorasyon, ang mga pictures. Fuck it all attitude kumbaga. I like it. It's so edgy and wicked.

What I don't like is my indecisive boyfriend planning the whole thing. I mean, he can probably cut a deal with the devil and negotiate to have his soul back in the end, but man, he just can't point a finger at a single thing. He'd point all of his fingers at ten things at once, probably use all his toes, too.

Kaya kagabi, andito siya sa bahay at nag-away kami dahil ayaw niyang makinig sa mga puna kong ang laman ay puro 'stupid' o di naman kaya'y 'ridiculous'. Natapos ang gabi't hindi pa rin naman napagdesisyunan kung anong gagawin sa dekorasyon ng simbahan at ng restaurant, kung anong ipapamudmod sa mga hayok na guests, kung anong itsura ng imbitasyon dahil kahit mismo color motif na lang, hindi pa mapagdesisyunan ng bride kung anong gusto niya.

In the end, I wrote down detailed notes on how each and every thing would go down so that he could just present it to Ian and Rose so that they could finally decide on something.

Kinausap ko siya kagabi at ang napagdesisyunan lang ni Ian at Rose ay baguhin ang venue ng reception. Ngayon, maghahanap pa lang sila kung saan itatambak ang kanilang mga inimbitahang utaw.

They don't seem to fucking realize that their wedding date is in nine days from now.

weird wednesday

There I was waiting for the poker tournament to start. I was impatiently fidgeting with the dealer button, gaze fixed on the video screen showing silent commercials. Out of the blue came this old cowboy. The weird part was that I think he took a whiff of my hair and said "I must tell you, you are one young pretty lady". I don't know where I got the strength not to laugh out loud but smile instead with the most gracious smile I could muster and then utter " thank you " .

it's just a fucking game of cards

Whatever you're looking for, it ain't here. Yep, you go through different 123's and abc's yet you still haven't figured out why 1 plus 1 should always be two and not too.

You're already 22 yet you still are the same little kid gawking at that magician with googly eyes not knowing that he's trying to rip your quarter off your ear and, really, into his own pocket.

How the fuck did he do that?

There are no smart-ass answers. There are no half-truths...actually, there is.

There is that truth, but only when you get caught.

See, the way I figured it out, it's just one fucking game of cards.

No limit texas hold 'em.

There are about a thousand travesties out there. Don't forget that word you called truth. You should know by now, however, that shit doesn't matter. Ain't no matter what cards you got or how you got it. What matters is how to play them.

Yep. Bring all your guts to the table and watch it get ripped or bloated. But as long as you know how to play the man, you'll never ever go hungry again.

rainy days and fridays

Now, I just want to play on my panpipes,
I just want to drink me some wine,
As soon as you're born, you start dying,
So you might as well have a good time...

-stolen from Cake

Oh yeah....

I don't want to go to work today,
I just want to curl up in my bed
I should be getting ready right now
But might as well not show up

Yeah right...

I have five minutes to catch the bus to Bon's house already running late since I still have to stop by the salon and get my nails done. He'll be screaming at me but oh well, I'll have my nice nails to comfort me.

number cruncher

There is safety in numbers. Not to mention that stability of cubicle life. Plus, the money I'm earning right now would not be enough for my depraved lifestyle.

So I decided to go back to school and become a number cruncher. So far, my fickle mind is telling me that this is the way to go.

However, my doubts are rendering me speechless. I never failed in anything I've studied for since my pride won't let me accept failure. This gigantic balloon head of mine housing an equally enormous ego would literally explode if I can't cut it in the corporate arena. That and the thought of waking up one day and realizing that I may hate what I do for a living.

But I already paid for the application fee. There is no turning back now.

So here I am, staring at my blank electronic paper, trying to summon words and the courage to start this stupid letter of intent-one of the required documents to support my application. I am trying to bullshit my way through this but I can't even find a word to start with.

Wish me luck as I surf the web for inspiration-trendy business outfits for my first day in the office after two bloody years of being a hungry student.