nginig

Something scary this way comes.

It's confirmed. My mind is shrinking.

Seriously. Sometimes, I feel like I can't carry string intelligible words together. Filipino words jumbled with English phrases muddling up my thoughts.

Another scary thing. I don't want to go back to school anymore. However, I already sent my documents for them to dissect. Or maybe it's just the fear of rejection. What if they think I'm not qualified? That really could mean I'm stupid. Aaargh!

Insecurities bubble up to the surface like irritating blemishes on my skin.

I just wish they'd take me in. If not, the decision would be easier. If they'd reject my application, I'll be a lifer in this poker dealing job.

Not that there's anything wrong with it in my opinion. I could survive with the salary, it's far from boring and I certainly thrive in conflict. Somehow, the tiny demons in me would be giddy when they'd sniff impending confrontations amongst the players.

It's just that my mom keeps pushing me to get a 'career'. Even my dad, though he doesn't really say anything, only that his eyes lit up when I told him that I applied to learn to be a number cruncher. Then he lapsed on into ramblings about me having a degree and becoming a certified general accountant. The only good thing I can imagine about being that is having a bigger salary and being able to wear killer suits. But the prospect of being tied down in a cubicle makes me want to claw at the walls.

Yeah, maybe I should just leave it at that. If the school rejects my application, then I should just resign myself to being a dealer. If I somehow slip into the program, then...nah, I don't want to think about that yet.