narcissus in drag

moving again

2007-02-19T15:51:00.001-08:00

sietepicados.blogdrive.com

my other lover

2005-08-12T00:10:00.000-07:00

I probably was gay during my last lifetime. Only one good reason I can think of why I keep hanging out with these people even though I'm straight.

Okay, okay...fine. I have bi tendencies. But that's only because females are prettier to look at than guys.

Okay, okay...fine. I take that back. Some females are prettier to look at than guys.

Why?

Because most guys that like guys take better care of themselves than some girls that are straight.

Yet another reason for hanging out with gay people. If only for the uber wickedness that they exude on the surface. Best eye candy without that annoying obvious bitch factor that I often see in some hot girls.

Plus, I can dress in my sluttiest outfit and nobody would mind. Joke, joke, joke lang po. Or not.

So yeah, flipflops in tow, I headed out towards gay street otherwise known as Davie. I have to wait for Alfred yet again to show up. It seems I'm always waiting for that guy.

He finally showed up around a little bit past one in the afternoon. We still have to snake around the crowd to find the best spot. It's like walking inside a maze, only that it reeks of sweat.

Anyway, I'm too lazy to type details. Here's what happened in fast forward mode...

*** had to ask other hotties to pose and take pictures with Alfred.

***had to walk back and forth to freaking drive the car from one parking spot to the next. i hate crowds ( except moshpit kinda crowds).

***had to wait for a seat at this grill. only to be seated next to their kitchen. feels like we're the ones being cooked.

***had to line up to get inside this club. i hate bouncers. even though we're the only ones outside because everybody's inside already, he still made us wait. i hate waiting.

***had to stare at one gay guy's boob while his friend pats my bumbum. i'd post that picture but i don't want you guys to hurl out your dinner just in case you're reading this while eating.

basagulera...ang pagbabalik

2005-08-09T01:40:00.000-07:00

...o mas tamang sabihing ang pagpipilit?

Hay. Sangkaterbang tsika kasi ang naipon. Hindi ko na kayang itago. Mahirap kasing magtimpi.

Kung marunong ba akong mambarang di sana dumikit na lang ako sa mga barang. Kaso...I'm just a mere mortal. A teeny one at that. I'd probably hurt myself more if I try to physically assault someone. Kaya hayan, hanggang kahol na lang ang kaya ko.

Pero huwag ka, may pangil ang mga salitang nakakasugat sa kaluluwa. Problema ko na lang kung paano nila* mababasa 'to...

*ang mga tinaguriang "the usual suspects"

expiration date

2005-04-29T22:47:00.000-07:00

expiry date ba o expiration date? ewan, basta lahat ng bagay, dapat may hangganan...

kapal!

2005-04-25T10:41:00.000-07:00

I just realized, that I am a schizo. In my quest for perfection and balance I've become not one, ~~but two~~ perhaps three persons. Examine the following evidences in various instances.

Polaroid number one, taken at 11:30 p.m., Sunday. Clad in a crisp, clean uniform this girl was captured in motion. Her hair is immaculately neat, face pleasantly enhanced by make-up.There is a slight blur around her figure, perhaps due to the fact that she doesn't stop for anyone or anything, slowing down only to curtly remind the photographer that taking pictures inside her work place is strictly prohibited.

There is that working girl, calm and lucid at all times, trying to embody professionalism. She is polished and almost always has a smile on her face for even the most difficult of clientele. Never unfazed with rowdy players whom she categorizes as occupational hazards, she also has infinite patience for those that try to prove their masculinity by hitting on her.

Polaroid number two, taken at 12:15 a.m., Monday. The caption shows the same girl, sitting amongst peers, playing big two, mouth wide open in a frozen laugh, head in a noogie, pink fingernails digging unto her co-workers hands. It was later known that the said co-worker was badly beaten by our heroine. Also the words " you just got raped with a broken beer bottle"were heard during the game.

She's the baby brother of them all, one that's easy going, playful. Often, because she's considered the youngest and the least of all threats, probably due to her trusting nature to the point of gullibility, people open up to her. They'd tell her stories because she'd listen, even stories that are best kept to themselves. Ick.

Polaroid number three, taken around 10:00 p.m., Sunday. It depicts her in edgy clothes, bordering on boyish, music from the mini ipod in her jeans pocket blaring in her ears. Her face is devoid of any make-up, she looks so young, could be mistaken for sixteen. She is unattached, seemingly uncaring about her surroundings. Her eyes offer no smile, offer no solace. They advertise one message- touch me and die.

She was seen entering the casino, without her uniform and badge as she always does. But this time, the security guard did not recognize her, demanded for her identification form thinking she was a minor. Rammstein was blaring in her ears, consciousness dead to the world save that unintelligible German music. She could care less. There's still thirty minutes before she'd become this whore, selling an addicting form of entertainment to whomever would willingly bite at the first opportune moment. And so she walked on in defiance of the present authority, her pace never slacking despite her dropping the comment that she works in the facility.

And that's when the trouble began. You see, the problem with various personas is in management. Sometimes the brain is tricked and simply forgets or chooses to forget. Sometimes, it's tired of compartmentalizing things, of choosing which is best for the situation. And in those instances wherein reason is suffocated by simple instinct, the true self will emerge. Someone that will surely be a complete asshole when people are being idiots.

minsan

2005-04-24T18:36:00.000-07:00

ooo Tinatamad akong mag-blog. I'm just fidgeting with something while waiting for my younger brother to reply in messenger.

ooo Isang taon pa bago maayos ang mga papeles ko. Ang tagal. Hindi tuloy ako makakauwi ng 'Pinas. Nakakabanas. Dahil nagdradrama na ang nanay ko. Matagal na daw niya akong hindi nakikita. 'Sensya na Ma.

ooo Sa pribadong paaralan mag-aaral ang kapatid ko. Iniisip ko lang, baka hindi siya makasabay sa mga kaklase niyang mapera. Sabi niya, okay lang naman daw. Sana nga okay lang.

sugar

2005-04-18T02:42:00.000-07:00

I've got a sweet tooth
for licorice drops and jelly roll,
Hey sugar daddy,
Hansel needs some sugar in his bowl.
I'll lay out fine china on the linen
And polish up the chrome
and if you've got some sugar for me,
Sugar Daddy, bring it home.

Black strap molasses,
you're my orange blossom honey bear.
Bring me Versace blue jeans
and black designer underwear.
We'll dress up like the disco-dancing
jet set in Milan and Rome.
And if you've got some sugar for me,
Sugar Daddy, bring it home.

Oh the thrill of control,
like the rush of rock and roll,
is the sweetest taste I've known. Oh yah
so come on, Sugar Daddy, bring it home.

When honey bees go shopping
it's something to be seen.
They swarm to wild flowers
and get nectar for the queen.
And everything you bring me
got me dripping like a honeycomb
and if you've got some sugar for me,
Sugar Daddy, bring it home.

Oh the thrill of control,
like the Blitzkrieg on the roll,
is the sweetest taste I've know oh yah.
If you've got some sugar
bring it home.Bah bah dabba dabba dabba do
Come on, Sugar Daddy, bring it home!

Whiskey and French cigarettes,
a motorbike with high-speed jets,
a Waterpik, a Cuisinart
and a hypo-allergenic dog.
I want all the luxuries of the modern age,
and every item on every page
in the Lillian Vernon catalogue.

So you think only a woman
can truly love a man.
Well you buy me the dress
I'll be more woman
than a man like you can stand.
I'll be your Venus on a chocolate clam shell
rising on a sea of marshmallow foam
and if you got some sugar for me,
Sugar Daddy, bring it home.

It's our tradition to control,
like Erich Honecker and Helmut Kohl,
remember him
from the Ukraine to the Rhone.
Sweet home uber alles,
Lord, I'm coming home.yah
Come on, Sugar Daddy, bring me home.

-sugar daddy, from the motion picture hedwig and the angry inch

halang ang bituka

2005-04-14T09:25:00.000-07:00

Wala lang.

Astigin kasing pakinggan. Halang ang bituka. Yeah, baby. Cool yun.

Ewan.

Naprapraning lang ako. Kasi para yatang wala na akong pakiramdam. Walang kakayahang makadama ng mumunting kurot sa puso. Gaya noong nasabi nung arkitek na patay na si papa. Bago lumandi ang mga utak ninyo, hindi fafa ng kung kanino. Si Pope John Paul ( hindi ko alam kung II ba o orig). Nabanggit niya sa tagboard ko. Tapos parang wala lang.

Eh ano ngayon kung patay na si Pope John Paul?

Tamo na. Masyado na yata akong makasarili. Pero talagang wala akong naramdaman nung sinabing patay na siya.

Wala akong alam na ginawa niyang diperensiya sa mundo maliban na lang na naging pinuno siya ng pinakamaimpluwensiyang relihiyon sa paningin ko. Siguro wala akong alam dahil wala akong pakialam.

At bago kayo mag-isip, hindi ako satanista. Pwede ba. (Dagdagan mo pa ng irap). Minsan nga hindi ako naniniwala na may diyos nga, paano pa ako maniniwala sa demonyo.

Kahit na nangingibabaw ang kaluluwang may pagtingin sa Panginoon, parang wala pa ring epekto ang mga lider ng simbahan sa akin.

Eh ano ngayon kung patay na siya? May nabago ba? Marami ang iiyak, maraming malulungkot, pero wala na tayong magagawa. Patay na siya. Bigyan ng respeto ang kanyang pagyao.

Pero hanggang doon lang. Ni gamunggong luha'y walang papatak mula sa aking mga pisngi. Bakit ako tatangis para sa isang taong hindi ko kilala? Hindi ko kaanu-ano?

Isipin mo. Habang nagluluksa ang madla sa pagkamatay ng isang kandila'y ilang babae na ang ginagahasa sa Africa. Gigising sila at babangon, pipiliting makita ang kinabukasang wala na ang mga kaanak na pinaslang, manghihiram ng damit sa kung kanino, manglilimos ng pera para lamang mabigyan ng lagay ang mga sundalong pwedeng mag-abang. At pagdating mo sa tinatawag na medical center, hindi ka nila pwedeng tanggapin dahil hanggang sampu lang ang kaya nilang paglingkuran.Ilang sanggol na ang naipamigay, inilagay sa trak, sinaksakan ng pampatulog para hindi pumiyok, ibinenta sa halagang $ 30,000 ng bansang Tsina dahil lang sa sila'y ipinanganak na babae. Ilang bata na ang sumisikot-sikot sa bundok na basura ng Payatas, naghahanap ng kung anong pwedeng maibenta para malamnan ang sikmura ng sandosenang miyembro ng pamilya nila. Ano ang kinabukasang darating sa isang taong sa umpisa pa lang ay ginipit na ng tadhana?

Hindi ko na kayang lumuha.

third eye

2005-04-12T17:09:00.000-07:00

I like secrets.

Try your damnedest technique won't you? I will, eventually and inevitably, find out.

So come on, don't be shy. Because you better spit it out now.

You know you'll never get away.

And I mean never.

training daw

2005-04-05T09:34:00.000-07:00

putris!

Sun run? Fuck that!

Talaga lang, ha.

Sibukan kong tumakbo. I strapped on my mini ipod, hiphop hippity hopping inside my head to pump me up but it still didn't work. Makalipas ang isang kanta, hingal na ako.

Hindi ko kaya. Hindi talaga.

Pero bukas, susubukan ko ulit. Mahigit isang linggo pa naman bago ang araw na iyon.

Target goal: dalawang kanta. Kahit sampung minuto lang...

too much information

2005-03-31T08:10:00.000-08:00

I'm in the breakroom having a three way convo with co-workers. The subject of piercings and tattoos came up. And then the subject of how fast the skin heals came up. And then my co-worker brought up how her skin has problems healing. It would take her a month just to get rid of the redness left by a pimple. She kept on going,telling us about her new belly button ring and how the skin around the ring probably isn't healing properly. Of course, the graphic description isn't enough. Before we know it, she stood up, pulled her shirt off her pants and showed us the belly button with the said ring with the said redness.

" It isn't infected, is it? "

It took me about five seconds to come up with a response which consists of one word.

"Um...."

Ten seconds of silence. She was saying something but I couldn't help but stare at her belly button that's right in my face. Mean, the guy who was with us was silent the whole time. I couldn't risk looking at him in fear that I might give him an icky look. It seemed an eternity before I came up with a reason.

" You're probably allergic to the jewelry. But it doesn't look alleric. It's just red. "

I hope I kept a straight face.

shallow waters

2005-03-29T20:32:00.000-08:00

Two months more till summer. Yey!

I got an additional paycheck. This year's reward for all the stress and hard work, for enduring endless complains from idiots, for showing up to work to daydream about one final moment.

And that is to spend it.

dutch baby pancakes

2005-03-27T20:21:00.000-08:00

Nakakagutom...

For the pancakes:

4 Tbs unsalted butter (or, if you’d prefer to try it as we did with today’s happy butter accident, try using 6-8 tablespoons, and then do not add clarified butter when serving)

4 large eggs

½ cup all-purpose flour

½ cup half-and-half

For the topping:

4 oz clarified butter (or, if you’re not into clarifying, simple melted butter will do)

Juice of 1 lemon

Powdered sugar

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees Fahrenheit. Divide the 4 Tbs butter between two 6-inch cast-iron skillets, and melt it over low heat.In a blender, whir together the eggs, flour, and half-and-half.Pour the batter into the skillets over the melted butter. Slide the skillets into the oven, and bake for 25 minutes.Remove the puffed pancakes from the oven, transfer them to a plate or shallow bowl, and pour on clarified butter, sprinkle on lemon juice, and dust with powdered sugar. Serve immediately.

-stolen from this blog-->http://orangette.blogspot.com/2005/02/9-am-sunday-butter-and-babies.html

NERD is dead

2005-03-26T17:53:00.000-08:00

No one Ever Really Dies is dead. Apparently they didn't agree with management and so they commited suicide.

I wish I have that courage. I wish I can say that this gig isn't really all that. That I won't miss it. That I can work for some other company that won't compromise my ideals.

Too late.

fifteen minute nightmare

2005-03-25T10:44:00.000-08:00

Every hour we get a fifteen minute break. And mostly during those fifteen minutes of peace and quiet lies boredom. There's nothing else to do. And when there's nothing else to do, time goes by so frickin' slow. You'd be wishing you were at home or somewhere else partying your fifteen minutes away.

Sure, there are couches to lie on, the telly with superb cable connection that you'd actually have something to watch even at the dead of night but nothing beats reading whatever it is that's lying about-the latest fashion mag issue, sleazy tabloids or even a reliable broadsheet.

Sounds geeky?

Anyway, I was trying to make a point here. So there I was with nothing to do about to be thrown into boredom when I spotted the day's newspaper.

Cover page: Thug-swarming-the hippest thing in the youth of now.

Second page: Teen jumped and beaten up at Central Park

Third page: Man stabbed near skytrain station

All reportedly done by teens in the lower mainland. And I bet it was because they were bored.

I'm not kidding. It's becoming a trend these days. These children would just gang up on someone and then beat them up. Even girls would join in on the fun that might result to death. And they'd probably get away with it because they are either too young to be prosecuted or nobody would rat on them.

It's the ultimate rebellion. A sheer defiance of law and morality. They'd have their bragging rights branded on tomorrow's headline.

It is scary.

magsulat ka ba naman ng ganito...

2005-03-20T13:55:00.000-08:00

He lost. It was a close fight but he still lost. There ain't no medals for second place in this game. Even if there were, you'd still be the biggest loser. It just sucks. Knowing this, I'm kinda glad that I didn't see the match. I didn't want my boyfriend to tease me about crying over something so trivial.

O0o0O

Surfed by Resty's blog and saw his post on someone else's post.

Dyaran!

Magsulat ka ba naman ng ganito, tingnan natin kung hindi ka maging sikat. Lahat ng taong nagpapahayag ng opinyon, lalo na kung sa isang bagay na ganito kasikat, at kung ang kanyang opinyon ay taliwas sa pakiramdam ng nakakarami, talagang kontrobersiya ang kahihinatnan.

"I firmly believe that a blog should be a medium for change and a space for debate and contestation of pressing social issues that concern us and the nation."

Naks. Quote, unquote. Pakiramdam mo ba tsong celebrity ka na?

Yeah, I mean, who the fuck gives a shit what happens to you as an individual when there are more pressing matters about such as the rape and slaughter of minorities in other countries or say, the dumpsite situation in Payatas or say, the ever increasing price of fuel?

Baluktot ang aking katwiran. Pero kung lahat tayo magpapakatotoo, tama ako. Nandito tayo para sa ating mga sarili.

Sabihin mo mang makabayan ka, sabihin mo mang makatao ka, ginagawa mo pa rin ang mga bagay na ginagawa mo dahil gusto mo. Gusto mong makatulong sa iba at magkaroon ng pagbabagong nakakabuti para sa masa dahil iyon ang idinidikta ng sarili mo. Nagiging kumpleto ang iyong pagkatao sa pagsakatuparan ng kung ano man ang nararapat sa iyong palagay.

At ano ang diperensiya nito sa isang taong nagwawaldas ng panahong magsulat tungkol sa pagkaasar niya dahil nauna ang paglagay ng conditioner kaysa sa shampoo?

Katawa-tawa man, dahil kung iisipin ng ilan, talagang walang katuturang pag-isipan ang kung anong masamang pwedeng idulot ng paggamit ng conditioner bago ng shampoo, pero sa partikular na taong bumanggit noon, mahalaga sa kanya ang mga ganoong klaseng bagay.

Lahat ng tao'y may karapatang magsalita.

We're all prisoners of our own vanities.

That being said, I'm not going to give you a hard time just because you are a self-righteous preacher with chopsticks up your ass.

O0o0O

p.s.

Nananawagan ang ilang taong nakakaintindi: kailangan ng mga manunulat na may katuturan upang imulat ang mata ng karamihang bulag dahil sa pagkabangag sa sarili.

in your face

2005-03-15T18:41:00.000-08:00

My teeth were grinding against each other as I chewed on the sweetened ham. The happy cloud that passed over me when I saw that, for once, breakfast at work was edible suddenly turned grey.

Why?

Because I just learned that due to 'us' dealers getting back our twenty five percent share of tips from the guest services people, they are getting a two dollar raise. Which makes their starting wage $11 per hour.

When I heard that rumor, I almost choked.

That had got to be the shittiest improvement this casino has ever done. They raised everybody's wages except that of the dealers. Guest services only amount to fifty employees and that includes their managers and supervisors. To give them a two dollar raise would be nothing to the company. Compare that to over five hundred dealers and supervisors. That's a shitload of money every month.

We are the lowest paid employees in this casino and the ones that get the most shit from customers. You'd think the company would give us compensation for that. No, they think tips are enough.

Fuck that!

Tips are shared by everybody. The management imposed that rule. They promised every newly hired employee that they'd get a cut. They didn't even ask the dealers for their opinion if they wanted to share it. To think that we, dealers, are the ones that are out there, licking the customer's boot at every turn of the card just to have that one dollar in the end. To think that we, dealers, have to swallow that so-called-pride because we know it will be worth it.

Now, when they give everybody a raise except us, how are we to go about our work with enthusiasm knowing that we only get paid the lowest amount possible? Customer service? What the fuck is that? Let that guest services attendant handle it. After all, they are getting paid for that shit, aren't they?

tsismis!

2005-03-11T08:50:00.000-08:00

Ang mga Pinoy talaga, mahilig sa tsismis!

Siyempre kabilang na ko sa sambayanan ng chisms.

At heto ang latest sa mga nagbabagang balita.

Manager, nakikipaglandian sa isang dealer.

At boom!

Magsiyota na daw sila!

Grabe. Ang masama pa doon, Pinay yung manager. Hindi naman isyu yung mga twenty years na pagitan nila sa edad. Ang isyu doon mga kaibigan, eh, pinagtatakpan niya yung mga kamalian nitong dealer na 'to. Nasuspende na nga raw ang naturang manager dahil sa hindi niya pagpasok para lamang maka-date hetong si lalaking dealer.

Ang isyu dito, nagpapakatanga siya. Hindi na na niya inisip ang hirap na dinaanan niya para lamang makarating sa posisyon niya ngayon. At paano na lang kung ginagamit lang siya ng lalaki para makapasa sa probation? Paano na lang kung masisante siya?

Ewan ko na lang.

Lahat ba ng umiibig nabobobo? Konting kilig lang, nagka-brain damage na.

maniacal

2005-03-09T19:31:00.000-08:00

You and your maniacal...thing. There's no such word as 'manayakal'!

Yes, they were arguing again about silly little maniacal things that wouldn't really matter and pretty soon, she'd be pissed and pinch him on his side.

Bloody hell, I understand how words are when I see them but I can't understand them when I hear them. Oh well.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Though some patrons can get grumpy and cranky and downright crazy, I've never wished anyone of them to be dead so that they'd stop coming to our casino. Except this single old guy.

He is okay but he creeps me out.

So yeah, I hope he'd fly back to China or get married to a dominatrix of a wife/husband who'll tie him down to bed each night so he won't come to my office.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Why can't Itunes Canada have a copy of Reise,Reise by Rammstein? I had to go snooting around the UK site for it and then they won't even let me buy the damn album!

Make me go old school on my ass why doncha? I'd hate to go to the store just to grab a copy and then burn it into my Ipod.

Hmm, maybe being this lazy will pay off with pounds. I meant flesh not currency.

somebody else got fired

2005-03-07T11:34:00.000-08:00

Guilt takes over every time. As well as that certain familiar feeling, that one little voice in my head that says " Hey, we got away with it". Or did I?

I've been dreading going to work, or talking to one of the managers. I didn't want to see them or them to talk to me, fearing they'd tell me I'm not working today and that I should never come back.

That happened to one of my acquaintances. I don't know if he really wants to be fired or what, but I think something inside him really snapped. He is a fairly nice guy, soft-spoken as far as I know. Maybe he just couldn't handle it anymore. Or maybe it got into his head, that he is a good dealer, that he is one of the supervisor's friends, that he is untouchable.

As for me, I'm still working. My name's still on the schedule for two weeks and hopefully, nobody would tell me to "fuck off" in a diplomatic manner.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Saturday came and went and then I went to the club again. Paulette, one of my co-workers, dragged me to go out with her and other friends. We went to Luce's. I thought it'd be one of those seedy clubs but when we were inside, I was smiling. I'm giving it a ten for swankiness. The place is certainly posh, one of the best clubs I've been in when it came to the interior.

However, I had to ask this when midnight came- where's your groove at? Usually, midnight's the turning point. That's the time when people are tipsy enough to go crazy on the dance floor. But the poshly dressed crowd just stood there and swayed to the music.

An hour or so after, Paulette and I were already bored. Time to hit the poker room. It's been months since I tried to blend into the scene and I realized I didn't miss it at all.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Poker is my life. Even on my days off, it seems like I can't get enough of it. And it's not only me. The virus has spread and my co-workers are as sick as me.

We spent Sunday at Ryan's house battling against each other for a few dollars. I came in second at our mini-tournament. We went at it again for five dollars and this time, yours truly took it all. I was lucky that night.

engot

2005-03-02T08:22:00.000-08:00

I really feel stupid today.

Really, really stupid.

I could have done something that might get me fired or make others see me in a different light. Anyway, it's really stupid.

This could be the turning point of my life.

The thing is, I had dreams about staying in that casino and then growing old and then becoming a poker manager or just a supervisor (depending if tips are that good). I don't want to get fired. I don't want to look for another job where I know I will just get bored (except maybe for a job in fashion but hell, that gig seems light years away).

I really hope I won't get fired...

...maybe I'm just making a fuzz about nothing. I hope it will be nothing.

I really really really hope it will be nothing.

lazy

2005-02-26T16:47:00.000-08:00

I know now why.

Dreams have eluded me.

Because you can't make something out of nothing.

I have forgotten how to be.

Slacker that I am, I managed to push myself to get out and finally mail that application. Yes, I am betraying my own words. Four years ago, I told myself I'd never want to leave my country. I'd never want to be anywhere else, because I am needed there. But look at where I am now. I'm not even thinking in my own language.

It's hard to admit it. But that's just how it is.

I have to stay here, jaded as I am, stuck in my job, though breathing still.

in your face sneaker

2005-02-25T23:06:00.000-08:00

Seriously!

Putting your feet up behind a seat while someone is seating on it is absolutely rude! Most movies take up at least an hour and a half to finish and I know that you want to be comfortable but shit, I want to be comfortable, too. I don't need the butt of your sneaker trying to kiss my cheek because you're wedging your shoe in between the seats. Ew...

Fucking hick...

ang sa akin lang naman

2005-02-24T14:47:00.000-08:00

Taklesa kasi ako.

Nagsisimula ng gulo.

Eh, malay ko ba. Talagang wala nga akong malay nung sinabi ko iyon.

Natiyempuhan kasing magkakasama-sama kaming mga Pinoy na dealer sa isang break. Ngayon, napunta sa usapan ang hatian ng tip. Bigla kong nabanggit na noon naman, walang tip na natatanggap ang mga kahera. Noon, dadalawa lang ang host na nakikihati. At noon, walang mga slot attendants. At natiyempuhan ring may Pilipinang kahera sa loob ng break room. Hindi ko alam kung nakikinig siya sa usapan. Pero pwedeng pagsimulan ng tsismis. At magbabago na ang paningin ng mga kahera sa akin. Kahit komo totoo ang sinabi ko, hindi maiiwasang masamain nila ang sinabi ko't isiping sugapa ako.

Dahil totoo namang sugapa ako sa pera. Aaminin ko. Prangkahan na iyan. Pero sa totoo rin lang, walang may gusto sa isang sugapa. Lalo na kapag ang tsismis ay may kakayahang mag-evolve. Lalo na at kapag hindi kayang respetuhin ng ibang tao ang pananaw mo. Aba, eh kung pwede lang bang kanya-kanya na lang bakit hindi?

Kasi noon, sa lumang kasino, ang departamentong naghahati-hati sa tips ay ang departamento ng mga dealer at bisor, ng guest services at ng slot attendants. Komo walang slot machines noon sa lumang kasino, dalawang departamento lang ang naghahati-dealer/bisor at guest services. Noon, dadalawa lang ang miyembro ng guest services. Hindi ko mabilang ang bisor at dealer pero hindi kasingdami ng sa ngayon.

Kasi ngayon, sa bagong kasino mahigit kumulang limang daan ang bilang ng mga dealer/bisor. Apatnapung katao ang nasa panig ng guest services. Dagdag mo pa ang isang daang slot attendants. At ngayon, kasama na ang mga kahera sa hatian ng tip.

Ang saklap ng buhay ng dealer ngayon. Dahil ang dating ginhawang tinatamasa ay napingasan dahil sa bagong sistemang nangyari. Bigla na lang itinalaga ang bagong hatian nang hindi man lamang hinihingi ang opinyon ng mga manggagawang kumikita ng tip mismo sa mga kustomer. Walang botohang naganap para hingin ang kung ano mang pagtangging pwedeng maganap.

Ngayon, maraming nagrereklamo. Ngayon, nagkakandarapa ang unyong itinatag para dinggin ang hinaing ng mga empleyado. Ngayon, matapos pagdesisyonang walang matatanggal sa hatian, nag-isip sila ng iba pang paraan para mabigyang lunas ang reklamo ng mga dealer/bisor. Sa bagong sistema ng hatian na kanilang ihinahain para pagdesisyunan, ang departamento ng guest services ay magkakamit lang ng 75% mula sa nahakot na tip. Kung ang bagong sistema ay mapatupad, sa loob ng isang taon, madadagdagan ng $200 ang kita ng isang dealer o bisor o slot attendant at mawawalan ng $3000 ang isang tauhan ng guest services.

At noong ipinalabas nila ang proposal na iyon, may nakasipi pang ibang sulatin na nagsasaad ng tungkulin ng bawat departamento. Kung tutuusin, ang may pinakamaraming trabaho talaga ay iyong mga kahera. Sila ang pinakamadalas masita dahil pera ang pinag-uusapan doon. At sa kanila din may pinakamadalas masisante. Kung tatanga-tanga ka sa trabaho mo, talagang hindi ka tatagal sa pagiging kahera. Pero ang sweldo nila, lamang ng apat na dolyar kada oras tapos makikihati pa sila? Ang pagpapalit ng pera, ilang minuto lang naman nangyayari. Kung mabilis ka, segundo lang, lalayas na sa paningin mo iyang kustomer na iyan. Hindi mangyayaring magbubunganga siya sa loob ng walong oras o mahigit pa dahil wala namang rason maliban na lang kung talagang sira ang ulo niya. Ang guest services, sa hindi naman sa lahat ng oras nakikuhalubilo sila sa kustomer. Kukuha ka lang ng numero, kukuha ng jacket, ngingiti at tatawa ng kaunti. Mga slot attendants, kung ikukumpara mo, palakad-lakad lang ang mga iyan. Kapag may mali sa makina, ilagay mo sa 'report of activity'. Siyempre, komo dealer ako, mas sasabihin kong mas mahirap ang trabaho namin. Isang halimbawa na lang sa isang talagang malas na araw. Kung lasing ang kustomer at napag-tripang maglaro sa mesa mo, kapag mamalasin ka talaga'y walong oras mo siyang makakasama. At hindi lang iyang nag-iisa. Kung mamalasin ka talaga, mahigit sampo iyang mga iyan sa mesa mo, dakdakan ng dakdakan kung paano ka naging bwisit sa buhay nila.

Kung idadaing ng ibang departamento na lahat sila, nabibigyan rin ng singhal ng mga kustomer, nangyayari talaga iyon. Kung ang dahilan ng mga kahera's marami silang ginagawa, para que pa na binigyan kayo $12/oras na sahod kung wala rin lang kayong gagawin?

Isa pang isyu ay ang dami ng kontribusyon sa naiipong tip kada gabi ng bawat departamento. Halimbawa na lang, ang nakukuhang tip ng dealer/bisor ay mahigit kumulang na $16000 sa isang mabentang magdamag. Ang makukuha lamang ng pinaghalong departamento ng slot attendant, guest services at mga kahera ay $3000. Eh, kung magkanya-kanya na lang kaya?

Kaso, hindi pwede ang ganoon. Kahit kamo gusto mo, hindi pwede. Napasama na sa hatian ang mga iyan. Masama naman kung biglang aalisan sila ng parte. Kaya kahit masama ang loob ko, wala na akong magagawa.

boxes of baci

2005-02-21T06:23:00.000-08:00

baci

Chi ama non teme la tempesta, teme solo che l'amore si spenga.

Quien ama no teme ala tempestad,solo teme que el amore si extinga

Quem ama nao teme a tempestade, so teme que o amor se apague.

Qui aime ne craint pas la tempete, el craint seulement que l'amour ne s'eteigne.

Who loves fears not the tempest but only fears love's fading.

(Anonimo)

"Dammi tanti baci". That's where they came from. It's Italian, meaning " give me many kisses ". They were wrapped in silver, and comes with a little note. Like that one on top. Like fortune cookies to make you vomit with sentiment. Thanks for the chocolates, by the way. Though I do think it's not necessary.

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Nobody gave a fuck about St. Valentine before the 1800's. Then came some brilliant businessman and elevated him next to Christ. The emphasis was placed on giving love through giving gifts. Now, there are love hotels and everybody's fucking like jack rabbits on St. Valentine's day.

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And yes, I will keep the little love notes. Just because you told me to.

when i grow up

2005-02-19T12:29:00.000-08:00

Bitch!

Hindi ko makita kung sino ang tumawag. Letse. Kasi kailangan ko nang magsalamin. Pero tingin ko at kung tama ang hinala ko, rambulan na. Lumingon ako, inaninag kung sino, pumihit at bumalik.

Rambulan na nga.

Ang mahirap lang, eh kapag maliit ka. Kahit anong gawin mo, marunong ka mang umilag, talo ka pa rin. Hanggang kurot lang talaga ang pinaka-deadly mong panangga. Kasi nalaman ko, kahit kasing liit mo ang kalaban mo, kahit na akala mo'y kuha mo na siya't kinakaladkad mo na, pwede ka pa rin pala niyang buhatin at dalhin sa loob ng banyo ng mga lalaki.

Bitch, may araw ka rin.

Nga pala, peksman wala akong nakita.

!!!

2005-02-14T14:03:00.000-08:00

Bwisit! It's such a shitty day. Nagising ako ng alas-siete ng umaga matapos ang limang oras na tulog at hindi na ako makatulog ulit. I've to work at five later and I don't know how I'm going to deal while I'm hyped up on painkillers and anti-biotics.

Isa pa, hindi pa yata matutuloy ang pag-uwi ko. Wala nang Boracay. Iiyak na naman nanay ko, ngangawa na naman mga friends ko. Dahil parang hindi ko na naman mapanghahawakan ang mga plano namin.

Ngayon ko lang nalaman na dapat pala may permanent resident card ako para makatuntong ulit ng Canada. Ang meron lang ako ay ang lumang IMM 1000 form, na wala nang silbi. At ang tagal ng tanginang processing ng lintek na permanent resident card na iyan. Limang buwan. Eh, patapos na ang Pebrero ngayon. Nang tinawagan ko sila, wala pang serbisyo dahil may sira yata sa linya nila, puro recorded messages lang. Shet!!!

Moral lesson -huwag ipagpaliban ang mga plano, dapat isang milyong taon pa lang bago ka magbakasyon, plantsado na lahat.

They're so gonna hate me for this but I'm thinking it's better to wait a year for my citizenship papers to fall through before I do any travelling outside Canada.

chocolate pearl milk tea

2005-02-14T00:38:00.000-08:00

Woke up four hours later. Mainly because of the noise outside. Eminimem was blaring from this kid's speaker as he was shooting some hoops just across my house. Immediately called Johnny to see what's up. He already phoned Mayuka and they both agreed we'd all go out if I can manage to get out of bed. I have to, anyway. There is this need to get out of my cell and finally feel part of the living and walking society.

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We drove all the way to downtown Vancity for dinner. Mayuka knows this wicked Korean restaurant. The place doesn't look too happening, plus the music was too loud. I guess it's the food that's been drawing the people there because we have to wait in line for like ten minutes just to be seated.

Alien food names. I can't remember them even the name of the restaurant but it tasted good, except for the spicy kimchi. I'm such a baby when it comes to hot stuff.

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An hour was wasted with playing pool. Good thing I'm thick-skinned. I barely made the shots but at least the ball didn't shoot out of the table and hit someone.

Dessert came afterwards. We were in this Chinese tea place that looks like an English cottage. I had the sweetest caramel pudding and hot chocolate pearl milk tea. Yum! Discussions filtered from relationships to business ventures to moving out to getting old and finally having kids that would sucker punch you in the middle of the night.

knocked out

2005-02-13T09:26:00.000-08:00

Dapat nga tumba na ako. Tatlong klase ng gamot ang nasa sistema ko kanina, dalawang lagok ng painkiller. Ewan ko ba kung bakit matatag ngayon ang sistema ko? Hindi ako ma-knock-out.

Ilang oras lang ay tatawag na si Johnny. Himala at nagkaroon ulit ng day-off. Labas kaming tatlo nina Mayuka, malamang hatak na rin si Ben no'n.

Nagbasa na ako ng libro, sumubok matulog sa lapag, uminom ng gatas, kumain ng kumain, nanood ng sine. Pero hindi pa rin mapagod-pagod ang mata ko. Siguro kung katabi ko si Bon, mas madali akong makakatulog. Sana nga lumabas na lang ako kasama ni Albert. Tiyak sa kumbinasyon ng toma't droga, makakatulog ako.

Ikaw? Anong panghele mo sa gabi?

mister and miss perfect

2005-02-12T17:13:00.000-08:00

Yeah, he did manage to come over, waking me up in the middle of my sleep. And guess what he got? Yep, the dolls.

He thought it'd be something to cheer me up because they talk weird. When you press Ms. Perfect's hand, she'd say " Don't even think about cleaning up after you and your friends, honey, that's what I'm here for". The Mr. Perfect doll talks along those lines as well-" Let's invite your parents over for dinner".

I told him to return them.

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Albert phoned a minute ago. We talked about going out tonight because it was his birthday week. And I forgot about it, also forgot to greet him on the day of his birthday. Plus, I'm too weak to go out. Sorry, Albert.

ang daing

2005-02-11T13:17:00.000-08:00

I can't sleep. I'm still up till now. What with the drugs fucking up my system. And that feeling that I've been duped into buying something that I don't really need. This frigging surgery. Actually I should be sleeping by now, what with that other drop of painkiller. So pardon me if I'm not making any sense, which would be like...about everyday in this blog.

Anyhoo, I thought of bugging Davidson on his cellphone, so I called the clinic again. Somebody actually answered. It was Bonnie, saying they start at noon on Fridays now and that they forgot to change the recording. She told me, without even me asking, that I don't need to pay for anything since they overlooked the part that my benefit year goes on a different cycle. I'm the only one I think. Out of a thousand patients or something like that, she can't really remember now, because most of them start their years from January to December and not the awkward August till July cycle like mind,did I actually type mind? So Caroline didn't even bother to check, since she was assuming that I was with the January till December cycle. So yeah, I'm free now.

One more rant. Bon was supposed to come over after work but got distracted over dolls. I don't know whether to cry or laugh. Especially when even he himself uttered the word 'retarded', no offense to retarded people, I know I'm not politically correct and I am digressing. Are you bored yet?

Good. Cause I think I'm about to pass out now.

hayok

2005-02-11T07:52:00.000-08:00

Talaga lang. Pangatlong araw na akong nagpapakalasing sa sopas. Sinubukan kong kumain ng pansit pero masakit siya! Nasisiraan na yata talaga ako ng ulo sa hindi pagkain. Cheese and broccoli soup never tasted better. We're talking about a vegetable here, people. Allergic pa naman ako sa mga ganyan hanggang ngayon.

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Sarado nga pala ang lintek na klinika ngayon. Hindi pa man nalilinawan ang gulo, pinagmumura ko na silang lahat. Dahil gutom ako!

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Nasubukan mo na bang ngumuya gamit ang harapan ng ngipin mo? Mahirap palang masakit ang bagang. Lalo na't pag may butas ang apat na kasuluk-sulukan ng bunganga mo. Mawawalan ka ng gana.

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Kung kaya't lumabas ang pagka-iyakin ko. Hindi ko na talaga kaya. Kailangan ko ng totoong pagkain!

a lesson in exaggeration

2005-02-11T03:48:00.000-08:00

I rue the day that I agreed to having them removed. Looking back, I should have just choked it down, the pain that tears my skull to brittle fragments whenever one of them so called wisdom teeth asserts its existence amongst his already established family members. If I could turn back time, I surely would go back to that situation wherein Davidson proposed that dreadful appointment and surely as I am suffering from these threads that are wiggling like tapeworms trying to escape from the grinding of my molars, I would have told him to grab that drill and shove it down his piehole.

Maybe there is absolutely no need to freak out. Period. As the master negotiator with the business-phone-y voice adviced, I should just wait for them to call me back and succinctly say 'fuck it' whenever they mention that bill.

But how can I not freak out, when I'm stuck with a six hundred dollar bill which I am not responsible for, worried that it might go against my perfectly pure credit record simply due to that harpy's deceptive act? How can I not freak out when that sweet,caring assistant phoned this morning to superficially ask how I am feeling before turning into this bearer of ill fortune telling me that she'd call me back, hopefully to tell me that it was all a mistake on their part but made me wait like a lovestruck idiot instead over the telephone for her cheating sweetheart to ring? How can I not freak out when there's another set of lips within the back of my mouth, creating a special nook for the littlest naughty bits to hide and stomp on the poor gum till it would scream infection, when the irritable stitches are unravelling and me not knowing if they are supposed to unravel and when there are freaky parts of skin that I think the dentist should have cut cleanly for it to heal faster. Most of all, how can I not freak out when I have to call them tomorrow since they neglected to call me back because I need reassurance that everything will be alright else they better fix this mess for free.

I know it may not be a big deal to you and that there are countless bigger shits that explode around the globe but it's a big bloody deal to me while I am reading this Business Practices and Consumer Protection Act, instead of going to bed with a full stomach because my gums can't tolerate even the softest grain of rice, instead of getting my much needed sleep by now without waking up to literally bloody drool on my pillow. I am here trying to formulate my plan of attack, to plead my case ever so nicely and accurately slam reason up their wrinkly asses.

Maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe it will all be sorted out tomorrow. Now, where are my damn painkillers?

pati ngipin, pineperahan na

2005-02-10T17:14:00.000-08:00

Nabunot na nga ang apat na ngipin salamat sa mabigay na kamay ng dentistang si Davidson. Buti na lang may pampatulog. Mala-date rape drug ata iyon. Gising ka pero halos di mo malaman kung anong ginagawa sa iyon. Napapangiwi ka na lang sa loob.

Ayoko nang tingnan ang mukha ko sa salamin. Hindi ko na maramdaman ang panga't labi ko kung kaya't malamang maga na sila. Pagdating sa bahay, pilit pa akong pinapainom nang gamot. Buti na lang hindi ko nakagat ang pisngi sa loob ng bibig ko. Dugo nang dugo ang lintek. Kailangan pang magpalit ng bulak. Tatlong klase ng gamot ang dapat inumin. I hate pills.

At ang mas madugo ay ang pagwawalang-bahala ng isang dental receptionist.

Flashback mo nga 'tsong...

November 2004

Ang tagal no'h!

Kakalinis lang ng ngipin ko. Nang tinanong na naman ako nitong Caroline na 'to kung gusto ko na bang magpabunot. Sinagot ko siya ng tanong.

" Am I going to be fully covered for the operation? Like, I don't have to pay for anything,right?"

" Yeah, it'll be next year anyway."

Sige na nga. Why bother delaying the inevitable? Pakipot pa ako,hetong libre na nga.

Fastforward mo na...

February 2004, a day before judgement day.

Ginising ako ni Caroline. Good fucking morning after two hours of sleep!!! Nakalimutan kong patahimikin ang telepono ko. Maayos naman ang pananalita ko. Dinaan ko na lang sa pagtawa ang mga katagang "sorry about my voice, I just woke up". At siyempre, tinanong ko ulit kung may babayaran ako sa pagpapabunot na iyon. Sabi niya, wala na daw.

At ngayon, diretsahin na natin ang puno't dulo ng inis ko.

Iyong karelyebo ni Caroline na si Bonnie, tumawag kaninang umaga. Kinamusta ako. Nang malamang hindi naman ako naghihingalo, bigla niyang sinabing hindi daw covered lahat. Punyeta talaga. Ang rason lang kung bakit ako hindi papasok para lang magpakamasokista'y dahil libre. I'm not going to shell out three bills so I can nurse my chipmunk cheeks in a week.
Bahala sila diyan. I'll call you back na lang ang drama ni Bonnie.

Hanggang ngayon, alas sais na ng gabi, eh, hindi pa niya ako tinatawagan.

Bahala nga talaga sila diyan.

tarot

2005-02-06T02:39:00.000-08:00

Do you believe in fate? Does luck play a role in your life? Or is it mere coincidence?

Then there's that butterfly effect. You know, that theory wherein a seemingly insignificant flap of an infinitesimal butterfly's wings in the south can cause a change in wind patterns that can snowball into something as huge as a freaking tsunami in the north?

It's unnerving to think that your actions are not simply your own. You'd start to horoscopes, go by your lucky colors, stick to the right numbers. Get into the flow of that prediction. Pretty soon you'll be reading tarots.

You would be so adept at it, your hand would no longer shake with trepidation as you open that first card. Boom! Here comes the High Priestess. Onto the Chariot. And finally, the Fool.

Don't be too impulsive in your love life today! The High Priestess isn't able to rein in the Chariot today, and you're about to rush into a new affair with your eyes tight shut. Caught up in the whirlwind that the Fool and the Chariot have whipped up in your life, you act with the eagerness of a puppy, without really considering the effectiveness of your strategy.*

And that's when you start to make excuses.

*actual tarot reading...guilty of snagging it

boogeyman

2005-02-05T05:35:00.000-08:00

Yeah, the movie. That movie.

Nakakainis. Nakakabitin. Napapalapit tuloy ako kay Alfred. Pilit isinisiksik sarili ko sa kanya. Para namang lalabas iyong boogeyman (sinabing may lingon sa likod). At para namang kaya niya akong ipaglaban. Napapapulupot tuloy ang nasabing Alfred sa akin. Napatili pa. Sa dulo ng lahat, pakiramdam ko'y parang nasayang lang ang pera ko. Oh well, hihintayin ko na lang ang paglabas ni Constantine.

Ang dami naming nanood. Kalahating batalyon 'ata. Puro katrabaho niya sa dating pinagtrabahuan. Ako lang yata ang alien doon. Buti naman universal na ang appeal ng poker at hindi naman napanis ang laway ko.

xoxoxoxox

It's weird. A 'saturday' without seeing Bon. I feel like something's missing.

A00620349

2005-02-02T09:12:00.000-08:00

January 17, 2005

Dear xxxxxx,

We are pleased to offer you Full Acceptance to the First Level of the Financial Management program which begins on September 6, 2005.

To confirm your acceptance:

You are required to pay a non-refundable/non-transferable commitment fee of $200.00 no later than January 31, 2005.

And you know what the killer is?

I received that letter today!

I don't think I should bother.

numb

2005-01-29T18:04:00.000-08:00

...

Something takes a part of me..Something lost and never seen...Everytime I start to believe...Something's raped and taken from me...from me...Life's gotta always be messing with me ... (You wanna see the light)...Can't they chill and let me be free (So do I)...Can't I take away all this pain... (You wanna see the light)....I try to every night, all in vain...in vain...Sometimes I cannot take this place...Sometimes it's my life I can't taste...Sometimes I cannot feel my face...You'll never see me fall from grace...Something takes a part of me...You and I were meant to be...A cheap fuck for me to lay...Something takes a part of me...Feeling like a freak on a leash (You wanna see the light)...Feeling like I have no release... (So do I)...How many times have I felt diseased...(You wanna see the light)...Nothing in my life is free...is free...Sometimes I cannot take this place...Sometimes it's my life I can't taste...Sometimes I cannot feel my face...You'll never see me fall from grace

...

i miss korn...

pancake on your head!

2005-01-25T08:19:00.000-08:00

backdrop:

Pinapakain kami ng kumpanya. May pagitan ng apat na oras ang kainan. Halimbawa, mag-uumpisa sila ng serbisyo ng alas sais ng umaga at matatapos ng alas otso. Ang kasunod, pananghalian na, alas dose ng tanghali hanggang alas dos. Kuha mo na ang sirkulo ng lamunan?

Ngayon ang tsismis:

Kumakain daw sila ng agahan. At bigla raw nagalit ang isang 'bisor (supervisor) dahil mukhang hindi raw na-de-frost ang pancake. Sa tindi ng emosyong nadarama ng nasabing bisor, aba, itinampal daw sa mukha noong serbidor ang naturang pancake. Iyan ang bayolente!

Kuwento lang naman 'to sa akin ni Albert. Puro "apparently" pa nga ang laman ng kuwento niya dahil narinig din lang niya. Alam mo naman ang balita, nag-e-evolve iyan.

pahabol

2005-01-21T23:29:00.000-08:00

Sa wakas, nakawala na rin si Johnny sa pagiging alipin. Well, at least for one day. Eh kasi naman walang ibang maasahan ang mga magulang niya sa kanilang kainan kaya't siya ang ginawang trabahador habang ang mas nakakatanda niyang kapatid ay pabili-bili lang ng hentai. Nakunsesiya naman ang kuya, nagkusang magtrabaho at bigyan si Johnny ng natatanging day-off matapos nang halos tatlong buwang pagkayod. Iyan ang tinatawag na martir.

Dapat pasko pa kami nagkita-kitang magkakaibigan kaso hindi siya pwede. Nabulok na mga regalo ko sa kanila, natunaw na yelo at hindi pa rin kami nagkatagpo. Tiyempo namang walang pasok si Mayuka, siyempre,dahil Sabado bukas kung kaya't lalabas na rin kami. Sa wakas.

Yeyness.

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Naaya ako ni Bon na sumama sa dinner party kasama ng mga katrabaho niya. Komo mga dealer rin sila, sumama na ako. May mapapag-usapan naman kami. At nalaman kong dahil may unyon sila, mas malaki kinikita nila kaysa sa amin. Langyang kumpanya ko, ang barat.

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Trip kong umuwi sa bakasyon. Nag-aayang pumunta ng Boracay. O ano, sama ka?

click

2005-01-21T18:30:00.000-08:00

Morning went a little something like this...

" Hey I forgot to call you earlier. I know it's stupid but I'm just calling to make sure you weren't late."

" I'm pretty pissed." He told me in a crisp grave voice, sounding so business-like I know something was up. There was always that change in his voice when he's trying to negotiate something.

" Okay...So you'll call me later then after you're done. I'll probably be waiting for you at Starbucks in Metrotown."

" Actually, I know we made plans to watch a movie tonight but don't you want to watch a volleyball game instead?"

What the fuck?

"What volleyball game?"

"Well, Don and Howard are in a tournament together and they are playing tonight." Don and Howard. There's nothing wrong with them except all they talk about is sports and nothing else. I feel totally left out. Even when I start some small talk to get a conversation going, all I get is a clipped response. None of them had able social skills to even try and include me in. I wouldn't even bother to try again. Fuck that shit.

" Fine. Just be with them then. I'm not coming out tonight".

" Well, we could watch a movie and then I could go out with them Saturday night."

By then I was pretty pissed myself. My ego couldn't handle it. His friends ring him up and he sells me out. What the fuck!

Before I could say anything else, he hung up.

I called right away but all I got was his answering machine.

Letting my temper simmer, I waited.

Fuck this shit.

I called him again and left a message.

" Hey, it's Kathy calling. Clearly I'm not one to compromise. I need some time off.

Evening,because I stupidly didn't set my phone to silent and I stupidly answered my phone without checking who was calling.

" Hey, I'm off in thirty minutes. Are we still going to watch that movie?"

" No. Just be with your friends, man. I don't want to see you again."

Click.

mga gabing ewan

2005-01-19T17:36:00.000-08:00

Minsan, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit may mga gabing ewan. May mga taong ewan. At kung bakit ako nilalapitan? Isang napakalaking ewan.

Kaya simula ngayon...

...bawal nang makipag-usap kahit kanino

...bawal sabihin kung bakit wala kang sasakyan

...bawal sabihin na ang hatid sundo mo'y bus.>

And most of all...

...learn how to say " FUCK OFF!"

bwisit

2005-01-18T09:39:00.000-08:00

Mamaya, mga mahigit kumulang tatlumpo't isang minuto mula ngayon, darating dito ang inspektor ng bahay. Wala lang. Titingnan lang niya kung hindi ba namin binababoy itong pinaparentahan niya, kung wala bang sira, at kung meron man, ano para maipaayos na niya.

Walang naiwan sa bahay kung hindi ako at tatlumpong minuto mula ngayon, darating na iyon. Kailangang hintayin ang pambubulabog.

Bwisit!

Aba mataas na ang araw. Sa mga taong buhay bampirang tulad ko, ang gabi'y araw at ang umaga'y oras ng paghihilik.

Basta pagdating sa pagtulog ko'y talaga namang madamot ako. Kahit kamo bumaha na't lahat, nagsisigawan na ang mga tao't mamaya-maya lang ay katabi ko na ang kung anu-anong mga appliances sa bahay, eh, humihilik pa rin ako*.

*based on a true story. Yea man, noong bata ako, kapag bumabagyo, bumabaha sa bahay namin sa Bacolod. At kapag nangyayari ang ganoon, inilalagay nila sa kama ang mga appliances para hindi daw kami makuryente. Iyon nga, bumaha, nagkagulo, pero hindi pa rin ako magising-gising. Naglaway pa kamo. Ew, yucky, kadiri.

spring should spring into action

2005-01-16T20:31:00.000-08:00

Talaga lang ha! Ang lamig kasi.

Just when I thought that everything would melt by now, it snowed yesterday...as I was walking to work! How dare thee cry tears of crystal when I'm outside!

Iniisip kong magbago ng lay-out. Na naman. Kasi naglabasan na ang spring fashions. Makisabay nga.

Truly. My passion is fashion.

How cheesy is that? Nyehehehe.

Pero totoo, masaya akong nagbabantay sa kung anong bago, 'hip' at 'happening'. Mababaw ang kaligayahan ko. At kung may sapat lang akong lakas ng loob, lipad na ako papunta doon, noh? Kaso, ang daming horror stories na narinig sa mga past graduates na kilala ng siyota ko. Tulad ni John, straight black guy. Who is supposedly in fashion. Walang makitang trabaho sa larangan niya. Prepared ba ako sa ganoon,day? Gutom ang aabutin mo. Pero may sagot ako diyan. Deep down inside my heart, I know, it's not how much money you make. Besides, isn't it fashionable to be skinny anyway? Kaya huwag ka nang mag-worry kung wala kang makain.

Ngayong malapit na ang isang buwan, malapit nang ibigay ang resulta kong tanggap ba ako o hindi sa lintek na accounting program na 'yon, parang pinagdarasal ko na sana, huwag na lang. Kasi naman, eh. Aanhin mo naman ang pera kung araw-araw naman...you're so bored you'd want to kill yourself with a letter opener just to wake up from that zombie-like state. (no offense to accountants, kailangan ko lang ng drama sa buhay). Mas nakakatakot naman iyon kaysa magutom ka.

Bottom line. I'm still arguing with myself. At ang kuwento'y patuloy na neverending.

katamaran unedited

2005-01-13T20:35:00.000-08:00

Supposed to meet up with Mayuka today. Got lazy. Even lazier typing this.

Actually I only had four hours of sleep on the account that I had to wake up 'early' so that I'd be able to hook up with her in downtown vancity. I was half-awake wishin' I was baked talking to her on the phone to tell her I'm not motivated enough to get out of bed. Supposed to get a haircut, too. My hair needs trimming. And maybe highlights. Or even a brand spanking new color. Though I've to prepare for years on end to support that habit if I'm to start messing with my hair.

I digress.

Hmm...wasn't that the point of this blog, anyway? To ramble on and on about the little incidents that pepper my otherwise pointless existence.

That sounded pathetic. Maybe I'm clinically depressed.

I don't know why I'm lazy. I feel like I'm about to burst with energy my body hurts just sitting down and tap tapping away at the keys. Maybe it's just because of the damn season. No wonder these north americans get bloated. With cold days like these, you just wanna stay at home, curl up in front of a warm fire or radiator and stare at the telly while munching on micky d's special of the day. Be fascinated by people living their imaginary lives while you sit there and grow fat lumps. Makes me wonder why I'm still made of skin and bones when what I've been doing day in and day out is sleep and more sleep, occasionally work (did I spell occasionally right?).

Soon as everything thaws out, I should force myself to take them driving lessons three days a week, enroll in some whatever class so I'd be doing something else other than getting excited while waiting for my favorite shows to finish downloading.

pasiklaban

2005-01-13T09:29:00.000-08:00

Delubyo ang dumaan sa isang parte ng mundo't libo ang nagkusang tumulong kung paanong libo libo rin, (milyon pa nga, eh noh!) ang mga donasyong natanggap.

(ano ba yan, pakiramdam ko baku-bako ang takbo ng pananagalog ko)

Minsan nga parang nagpapasiklaban pa iyang mga iyan, eh, noh?

Noh?!>

Pero ang magandang balita, pinantayan na ng kumpanya namin ang mga naipong donasyon ng mga tao. Sa apat na milyong kita ba naman nito bawat araw, magdadamot pa?

stop and eject 001

2005-01-10T08:39:00.000-08:00

I have no need for other people. Weird, isn't it. I sometimes want to be with other people, but, being with myself is enough. Arrogant? I think so.

I need help. I need to go out more and need other people. I do chill with people sometimes, but I get sick of them eventually.

But no matter how sadistic your ways are, some of them keep coming back and some don't really go away. I have to take drastic measures.

Reminders to self:

Don't ever let them drive you home. That way, they won't know where you live and won't follow you home, waiting by your doorstep at minus four degrees of freeze-your-ass-weather till you come out and take them back.

Don't get a contract for your mobile airtime. Ever. That way, it's easier to change plans and phone numbers.

Don't ever tell them your real name. That way, when they come looking for you, people will think they are crazy.

as usual

2005-01-07T18:37:00.000-08:00

A typical day in the life of. I'm dealing, just dealing. Hindi ko na pinapakinggan ang mga usap-usapan nila. Kasi naman wala na akong pakialam sa mga ganoon. Minsan nga kahit itsura ng mga bagong players hindi ko na matandaan. Pero hetong hirit na ito'y hindi makakalagpas...

" You know, for the average woman, four inches is enough. But wide!"

At komo ako lang ang babae sa mesa, tinginan silang lahat sa akin.

What the fuck?

" I'm working, man. I ain't got nothing to do with you guys or whatever it is that doesn't concern the game. "

Tapos hihirit pa ang isa...

" What about for guys?"

Siyam na pares ng mata ang lumipad patungo doon sa humirit ng ganoon.

"What are you, a queen?!"

" You're a queen..."

" No, you're -the- queen!"

Hay...

Kailangan mo pa silang sigawan para tumigil. Parang mga bata. I should change my designation to babysitter instead of dealer.

yelo

2005-01-06T13:16:00.000-08:00

floating and floating and fading away...

stuff to do...

*buy a winter coat made of wool or something stuffed with down-so your ass won't freeze 'cause of the damn snow.

*ask for a leave of absence-'cause you need...stress 'need'...your wisdom teeth pulled out. Yes, all four of them 'cause your dentist would not pull only two as you wanted. If by then you can't muster up the courage for that much 'needed' surgery, then just cop out, don't forget to call them a week before your appointment and lie to them that you can't get time off work.

*grab a phonebook, locate an optometrist preferably within walking distance-so you can buy glasses or contacts or whatever so you can stop squinting and actually see things instead of only trying to see them.

*get a cd album and some form of filing system for bills,receipts and other important documents.

*contact your driving instructor-spring is coming and so is your road test date.

nginig

2005-01-06T07:30:00.000-08:00

Something scary this way comes.

It's confirmed. My mind is shrinking.

Seriously. Sometimes, I feel like I can't carry string intelligible words together. Filipino words jumbled with English phrases muddling up my thoughts.

Another scary thing. I don't want to go back to school anymore. However, I already sent my documents for them to dissect. Or maybe it's just the fear of rejection. What if they think I'm not qualified? That really could mean I'm stupid. Aaargh!

Insecurities bubble up to the surface like irritating blemishes on my skin.

I just wish they'd take me in. If not, the decision would be easier. If they'd reject my application, I'll be a lifer in this poker dealing job.

Not that there's anything wrong with it in my opinion. I could survive with the salary, it's far from boring and I certainly thrive in conflict. Somehow, the tiny demons in me would be giddy when they'd sniff impending confrontations amongst the players.

It's just that my mom keeps pushing me to get a 'career'. Even my dad, though he doesn't really say anything, only that his eyes lit up when I told him that I applied to learn to be a number cruncher. Then he lapsed on into ramblings about me having a degree and becoming a certified general accountant. The only good thing I can imagine about being that is having a bigger salary and being able to wear killer suits. But the prospect of being tied down in a cubicle makes me want to claw at the walls.

Yeah, maybe I should just leave it at that. If the school rejects my application, then I should just resign myself to being a dealer. If I somehow slip into the program, then...nah, I don't want to think about that yet.

bisperas

2005-01-01T17:27:00.000-08:00

Nothing out of the ordinary happened. Got wasted, had fun, was momentarily happy. Woke up due to hunger and slept for most of the first day of the year. Hope the rest of my year will be productive since I was a sloth in the beginning of it.

ang nakaraan

2004-12-31T13:25:00.000-08:00

Heto ako't nagpapalipas ng oras, sa bisperas ng bagong taon, habang naghihintay matapos ang pag-inog ng labada. Isang pelikula na ang nakaraan, dalawang oras ng buhay kong nasayang, nawala na parang bulang hindi ko na maibabalik pa.

Time trickling by, dropping like the sand of my heritage into that murky bottom of the hourglass. I'm wondering what force will turn it around so that I may slip back into myself again?

Kahit sarili kong salita'y hindi ko na mabigkas. Namumutawi na lamang kapag nagugulat. Paminsan 'fuck' pa nga ang lumalabas sa bibig ko't hindi 'puta'.

I can't help it. I am surrounded by them.

Nakakahiyang aminin sa sarili kong ayaw ko nang bumalik kahit kailan. Ang nakaraan ay nakalipas na at kasama na doon ang lumang ako. Ang lupang sinilangan, kinasadlakan ng dusa't pangamba, dambana ng una kong pag-ibig. Nanghihinayang ako, gusto ko mang balikan, sa tingin ko'y hindi ko na kaya.

Nandito ako. Sa gitna ng bukas at kahapon. Isang buntonghininga lang, isang ngiti tungo sa bagong direskyon.

But it seems that I do not have the strength to exhale.

two dollar poker

2004-12-21T11:43:00.000-08:00

This is my life so far. Two dollar poker.

Instead of partying on Saturday night, I was at Bon's house teaching his homeboys a lesson in poker (read as kicking their asses).

There was his brother Pierre, his godbrother Ray and Pierre's friend, Joseph. After gnawing on ribs at Boston Pizza, Bon just decided not to drive all the way to Richmond were my co-workers are getting drunk at our Christmas party. He decided to just go home and play poker instead. Boy, was I pissed. I actually dressed up and put on make-up because I thought, even though it was already almost midnight, he would still drop me off at the Blox where I gave my word to my co-workers that I'd come since someone hooked me up with a VIP pass.

But I had to back down on that one. For some reason, I didn't want him to feel like my bitch in front of his buddies.

So we went home and pooled in two bucks for each game session. Winner takes all in no limit texas hold 'em. I was about to lay it down easy and actually play straight but they had to be lippy. Something about their aggressiveness irritated me. It was arrogance backed by ignorance of how the game is played. After a few sessions of watching World Poker Tour on the idiotbox, they think they know it all. It was a home game, amongst acquaintances but it seemed like a war between nations. They were pushing me needlessly, calling my raises or bets with nothing at all. That kind of weakness only calls for more blood.

That was the easiest eight bucks ever.

Yep, only eight bucks. After one game, Bon and Pierre were called into an "emergency family meeting" by their big bro Ian. Yep, the one who's freaked out about his impending wedding. They locked themselves in the computer room for an all-out-shout-session blaming each other for what hasn't been done yet and the wedding is only a couple of days away.

what the f*!!!

2004-12-17T13:41:00.000-08:00

About a month ago, I was bragging about that five hundred dollar gift certificate that I won from my company. Once I got the certificates, I immediately headed to the mall to buy my mini ipod.

They told me in two weeks, I'd be grooving with it.

Two weeks passed and not a word from them. A month passed and I had to call and ask what the fuck has happened. Someone with little sense about customer service put me on hold for five minutes or so after this conversation.

" I ordered a mini ipod or ipod mini, whichever you prefer, about a month ago. You told me that it will be shipped in two weeks. I'm just wondering what happened to it. "

And his brilliant answer was.

" What kind of mini ipod is it?"

" What do you mean what kind of mini ipod is it? Did you need the item number, the invoice number, the receipt number or did you mean to ask what color it was or who it was from?"

" Can I put you on hold? "

And without even bothering to wait for my affirmative he just put me on hold.

Then I heard a resonating click.

Fuckers.

So I phoned again. NO word about my order. The clerk can't tell me what the fuck happened to it or why was there a delay with the shipment. Are they still assembling a factory together to assemble my coveted mini as I rant at them on the phone? Bloody hell.

They really suck!

RADIOSHACK SUCKS!

*a rather immature but enlightening commercial brought to you by a pissed off customer

b1,b2 at bo

2004-12-17T09:56:00.000-08:00

Friday was an equally interesting day. It's the day that I start to mellow out because I'd get to talk to Bon and not worry about him whenever we're not together. Seriously, I am utterly helpless when it comes to relationships. I somehow abhor the idea of not being alone, of having to worry about someone other than myself. If it was just me, I can handle things perfectly because I have a huge ego to accompany me. But somehow, when I am with Bon, that hot air balloon gets deflated whilst all my insecurities rocket to the moon. And then I turn into this psycho.

By Friday, as I was saying earlier, forgive me if this is a bit redundant but shit it's my goddamn diary, all my worries start to crawl away because I know I'm going to be seeing him, I know that if shit happens to him, I'll be there to straighten things out. Weird, yeah, tell me something I don't know.

What else do I hate?

hatecase number one:

I hated that I have a migraine now because one of the players in my table fucking stinks. I really mean that. His name's Noah. Maybe when God taught him to haul all the animals, he didn't have time to take a bloody bath. Until now. He really stinks! Everytime he moves his arms, that horrible body odor seeps from his armpits and pollutes every one around him. I have to exhale everytime he does that, hold my breath and pray that I don't puke right there and then. I have to bite my tongue so as not to gag. It would have been rude. Ugh. Writing about it now makes me want to puke.

hatecase number two:

There's this fucking idiot player that I think still belongs in the dark ages.

" Poker is a man's game. "

What a chauvinistic pig. Wait, that's an insult to pigs. What a chauvinistic asswipe.

hatecase number three:

I am disgusted by Asian parents who don't give a shit about their culture, coming to Canada for a better future thinking they could shed their skin and be fucking no-sunshine-on-your-ass-white. It annoys me to no end. They blatantly talk to their children in English even though their sentences are peppered with horrible grammar and pronunciation. I understand this need to blend in to the current system, go with the flow shite but I don't understand this complete disregard for their native tongue.

I hate it that my boyfriend knows only a few cuss words in Filipino and I hate seeing Filipino people rather talk in English albeit the misconstructed sentences ( I know my shit doesn't smell sweet as well but I just hate it when people try hard to be all that thinking that they'd be way more sophisticated if they talk in English).

Hence you get these "bastards" who talk like they are black because it's the current trend and don't know shit about their own language except the very famous powtenginamow.

Which takes me to my last hatecase for today:

Rodney Vargas.

He talks to much. He fucking flirts with every dealer that he thinks has got a cunt only to make himself look cool in front of other players. I guess it's part of his job to try and charm people because he is a promoter for some nightclub. But I'm annoyed that he tried to pick me up even though I would throw verbal backhands at him every now and then. He's too stupid to probably get it. Or just trying to be nice. Either way, I hate flirting.

After my shift, my co-worker handed me his business card and a promotional flyer for a 'Christmas' party. I was about to chuck them away when I spotted James the bitch (thanks for the rubber duckie).

" Look, I got a new boyfriend, James!"

He gives me a look that says 'Who's that stupid to pick you up?'. I showed him Rodney's card.

" Why don't you keep it and when you don't have anything better to do, call this guy up and tell him not to flirt with your girlfriend or else you'll castrate him? "

I guess he was too chicken to pull that prank because he just laughed this awkward laugh.

I am mean. And narcissistic. Oh well.

winter wedding

2004-12-11T02:52:00.000-08:00

Truly. Naloloka ang lola n'yo. Grabeh. Ever. Ewan ko ba kung bakit hindi na lang ako nasunog nang kinana ko ang anak ng live-hard Catholic lola na 'to. Minsan iniisip ko, bruha iyong nanay na iyon at nagpalamon ng gayuma sa akin para tumagal ako sa anak n'ya ng ganito. Kunwari pa siyang sister of something something, witch pala ang dating niya.

Bloody stressed out. Kumbaga kapag inilagay ako sa photoshoot ngayon, at sinabi ng photographer sa akin na " give me bitchy", I'll probably give them fucking death, instead. Kasi ba naman noh, ever, ang mata ng loleng na 'to ay namumuti na kakaproblema.

Truly. Hindi ko naman problema iyon. Si Bon kasi, may kapatid. Iyong kapatid niya, member ng singles for christ na lumayo sa tamang landas at kinirengkeng ang isa pa ring miyembro ng singles for christ. Nagkeringkingan silang dalawa. Kering keri ang mga lovebirds kaya ngayon, may kinekeri na silang beybi. Kaya hayan, ang kanilang mother na strictly catholic ay nagpupumilit na ikasal sila before the beybi bursts out.

Eh, itong kapatid ni Bon, ewan ko na lang. Noong nagpamudmod yata ng diskarte ang mothernature or god or whatever, natutulog sa tabtaban. Nag-set sila ng date ng kasalan, namili ng pagkamahal-mahal na damit sabay hinayaan na ang ibang mga etstebureste ng kasalan nila. Ignore na yang reception, yang mga giveaways, paano ang dekorasyon, ang mga pictures. Fuck it all attitude kumbaga. I like it. It's so edgy and wicked.

What I don't like is my indecisive boyfriend planning the whole thing. I mean, he can probably cut a deal with the devil and negotiate to have his soul back in the end, but man, he just can't point a finger at a single thing. He'd point all of his fingers at ten things at once, probably use all his toes, too.

Kaya kagabi, andito siya sa bahay at nag-away kami dahil ayaw niyang makinig sa mga puna kong ang laman ay puro 'stupid' o di naman kaya'y 'ridiculous'. Natapos ang gabi't hindi pa rin naman napagdesisyunan kung anong gagawin sa dekorasyon ng simbahan at ng restaurant, kung anong ipapamudmod sa mga hayok na guests, kung anong itsura ng imbitasyon dahil kahit mismo color motif na lang, hindi pa mapagdesisyunan ng bride kung anong gusto niya.

In the end, I wrote down detailed notes on how each and every thing would go down so that he could just present it to Ian and Rose so that they could finally decide on something.

Kinausap ko siya kagabi at ang napagdesisyunan lang ni Ian at Rose ay baguhin ang venue ng reception. Ngayon, maghahanap pa lang sila kung saan itatambak ang kanilang mga inimbitahang utaw.

They don't seem to fucking realize that their wedding date is in nine days from now.

weird wednesday

2004-12-09T15:12:00.000-08:00

There I was waiting for the poker tournament to start. I was impatiently fidgeting with the dealer button, gaze fixed on the video screen showing silent commercials. Out of the blue came this old cowboy. The weird part was that I think he took a whiff of my hair and said "I must tell you, you are one young pretty lady". I don't know where I got the strength not to laugh out loud but smile instead with the most gracious smile I could muster and then utter " thank you " .

it's just a fucking game of cards

2004-12-06T01:59:00.000-08:00

Whatever you're looking for, it ain't here. Yep, you go through different 123's and abc's yet you still haven't figured out why 1 plus 1 should always be two and not too.

You're already 22 yet you still are the same little kid gawking at that magician with googly eyes not knowing that he's trying to rip your quarter off your ear and, really, into his own pocket.

How the fuck did he do that?

There are no smart-ass answers. There are no half-truths...actually, there is.

There is that truth, but only when you get caught.

See, the way I figured it out, it's just one fucking game of cards.

No limit texas hold 'em.

There are about a thousand travesties out there. Don't forget that word you called truth. You should know by now, however, that shit doesn't matter. Ain't no matter what cards you got or how you got it. What matters is how to play them.

Yep. Bring all your guts to the table and watch it get ripped or bloated. But as long as you know how to play the man, you'll never ever go hungry again.

rainy days and fridays

2004-12-03T17:51:00.000-08:00

Now, I just want to play on my panpipes,
I just want to drink me some wine,
As soon as you're born, you start dying,
So you might as well have a good time...

-stolen from Cake

Oh yeah....

I don't want to go to work today,
I just want to curl up in my bed
I should be getting ready right now
But might as well not show up

Yeah right...

I have five minutes to catch the bus to Bon's house already running late since I still have to stop by the salon and get my nails done. He'll be screaming at me but oh well, I'll have my nice nails to comfort me.

number cruncher

2004-12-02T16:57:00.000-08:00

There is safety in numbers. Not to mention that stability of cubicle life. Plus, the money I'm earning right now would not be enough for my depraved lifestyle.

So I decided to go back to school and become a number cruncher. So far, my fickle mind is telling me that this is the way to go.

However, my doubts are rendering me speechless. I never failed in anything I've studied for since my pride won't let me accept failure. This gigantic balloon head of mine housing an equally enormous ego would literally explode if I can't cut it in the corporate arena. That and the thought of waking up one day and realizing that I may hate what I do for a living.

But I already paid for the application fee. There is no turning back now.

So here I am, staring at my blank electronic paper, trying to summon words and the courage to start this stupid letter of intent-one of the required documents to support my application. I am trying to bullshit my way through this but I can't even find a word to start with.

Wish me luck as I surf the web for inspiration-trendy business outfits for my first day in the office after two bloody years of being a hungry student.

hunting tommy africa

2004-11-30T03:09:00.000-08:00

Out on a whim, I decided to escape Vancouver on my days off and head to some alien world like Whistler. I was going to go alone but having a driver is not bad too. I'd hate to freeze my ass off while I wait for the bus in that winter wonderland.

Bon drove all the way while I dream in the passenger's seat. He was deviously manipulated to book the best suite in a bed and breakfast and he hated every minute of it except moments with the jacuzzi and immaculate bedsheets. The reason? It was a bed and breakfast inn, practically someone's mansion made up like a high-classed whore to be sold to the general public.

So we checked out after a night and instead of doing fun activities we could only do in Whistler such as touring the mountains on a snowmobile or ice skating on a lake (because there's not enough snow yet and the lake, is well, still made up of water and not ice), we went shopping. Yep, strolled around a village full of shops and restaurants. Oh and argue about numerous things, mainly because I drive him crazy, like going out of my way to convince him to go find this happening club called Tommy Africa's only to change my mind about it once we get there.

hay

2004-11-27T07:38:00.000-08:00

Instead of my brain expanding, I think it shrunk these past four years. Such is a dealer's life.

I only know how to count till 21, anything over than that is too many. Grammar and pronounciation have been reduced to that of a three year old ( "So soli, no do again" ). Perhaps the only thing beneficial was this fine-tuning to the art of body language.

My 'education' pays shit regarding figuring out haloscan.

caramelized blood

2004-11-26T17:17:00.000-08:00

Shit happens.

I don't know the truth, because these days, I can hardly believe the lies I tell myself just so I could go on.

But I know a massacre when I see a bloody carcass simply clad in shirt and shorts being hauled off by another in the same uniform.

A classic David versus fucking Goliath story. Only reality hit. What could David do against bullets?

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

Of course they'd blame one another. It's the left's fault, no, wait, it's the right one's wrongdoing. They blame Cory, Tingting and whoever Cojuangco there may be. They blame the government and the communists.

Fourteen Filipinos are dead.

One story in the limelight for the moment, the scandal to be forgotten and buried perhaps as fast as these corpses are hidden under the ground.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

http://www.geocities.com/arkibo10/04-asyenda/asyenda.htm

the run-away dental patient

2004-11-24T04:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Dental Secretary Caroline,

First, you sent me a postcard. It had some cartoon kids brushing their teeth. At the back was a stamped reminder of my much 'needed' appointment. Then came the phonecalls some of which woke me up while I'm having my really really much needed beauty sleep. That's fine.

Last night, I was on the bus, bobbing my head to "drop it like it's hot" ( yeah I'm into some hiphop now), when you called. One earplug came off yet I still couldn't tear myself away from the beats enough to understand what you were saying. I made out the words "twelve noon", "appointment" and I managed to say "yes" just so you'd shut up and stop convincing me as I was thinking " deep shit".

I came home at about three in the morning, tried to sleep so I could wake up before noon and haul my ass off to your clinic. About three hours passed by, one blog almost remodelled and yet I still couldn't sleep. So I phoned your office to apologize for cancelling our date.

And yes, I do understand your position on the short cancellation notice charge.

fresh

2004-11-23T04:44:00.000-08:00

...because it's a whole new year

...oh, alright, fine

because i got bored with the old lay out

ben

2004-11-21T06:48:00.000-08:00

Ang kuwentong ito ay nilumot na kung paanong pwedeng nilulumot na rin siguro ang kuwelyo ng damit ni Ben ngayon. Hmm...mabawi nga. Malamang, pagkahubad pa lang niya ng damit ay wala pang trenta minutos nalabhan na iyon at naplantsa pa. Paanong hindi ko iisipin iyon, kasi ba naman, nagpunta sa casino namin ang loko, kadaming sekyu na dala. Sa totoo lang, hindi makalaglag-salawal ang beauty niya. Ewan, baka sa akin lang walang epek. Hindi naman pangit si Ben, eh. Medyo malaman nga lang. At talagang hindi maporma. Wala pang pakialam kung gumalaw, akala mo nasa bahay lang.Dugyutin pa kung manamit. Mukhang hindi naliligo.

Oo, walang iba kung hindi si Ben Affleck. Yabang ko, noh? Sa mga kuwentong showbiz yata mahilig ang Pinoy. Hindi ko pa nakikitang umakyat si Ben sa poker room namin, eh, natunugan ko nang andiyan siya. Paano, iyong mga kasamahan namin sa trabaho, lalo na mga Pinay, eh, hindi matigil sa kadadakdak tungkol sa kanya.

Sa dinami-dami ng tao sa poker room noong Miyerkules, hindi mo naman mapapansin na may artistang dumating. Maliban na lang kung iyon nga, sa kaso ni Ben, susunod-sunod sa kanya ang 'sanglibo't isang guwardiya na akala mo'y kung sino siyang importanteng Pontio Pilato. Siguro natatakot siyang dumugin ng mga libo ring kababaihang umakyat lang sa poker room para masilayan ang mala-Adonis niyang mukha. Talagang ginawan pa siya ng espesyal na mesa, kumpleto kasama ng mga 'velvet ropes to keep away interlopers'. Kahit ang tournament noong araw na iyon ay natigil ng ilang minuto dahil gustong makita ng ibang manlalaro kung paano magdala ng baraha si Ben.

Ano ba ang meron sa isang artista?

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Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ganoon na lang ang pag-iidolo ng mga utaw sa isang istariray. At mas lalong hindi ko maintindihan kung paanong ang isang mag-aaral ng dakilang unibersidad ng British Columbia ay sumagot ng ganito sa interbyu.Teka, kaunting filler muna sa background ng pang-ookray ko.

Si Ben, na hindi ko pa rin alam ang apelyido hanggang ngayon, kasintahan ng kaibigan kong si Mayuka, intsik at matangkad, okay lang naman kahit medyo mahiyain dahil alam kung siya ang kasiyahan ng kaibigan ko.

Si Ben, na kung saan magsuot si Mayuka ay nandoon din. Nag-aaral umintindi ng Hapones mula sa kanyang kasintahang Hapon at nag-ambisyong sumali't maging isa sa mga ehekutibong tagapangasiwa ng organisasyong Hapon. Dahil siyempre, para makasama ang kanyang irog.Si Ben, na naghahanap ng pansamantalang trabaho ngayon, para lang palamutian ang kanyang resumé para makakuha siya ng trabaho sakaling magtapos siya sa susunod na taon mula sa kursong komersiyo.

Ewan ko na lang kung paano siya makakahanap ng trabaho kung ganitong hindi niya kayang mambola.

Tanong ng taong nag-iinterbyu sa kanya:

" Why do you want to be an executive in our Japanese Club? "

Ang tahasang sagot ng hindi marunong magsinungaling na Ben:"

Because my girlfriend is Japanese. "

shopping spree celebrity

2004-11-16T06:47:00.000-08:00

I admit I'm a bit retarded sometimes. Alright, pardon my inappropriateness. I'm a bit slow on picking up things, not to mention I forget easily.

Thinking that I'm suppose to start my shift at three in the afternoon, of course, I'd show up before three and march with my co-workers up the poker room, report to the supervisor to check our assigned tables and rotations. Thing is, I'm not suppose to start at three. More like four hours after that. Cheeks aflame adorned by that silly smile, I went back downstairs to the break room got my stuff from my locker and proceeded to head back home.

Only to remember that I did win that five hundred dollar gift certificate from a nearby mall. I went back and asked for it. Mandy, the human resources officer smiled warmly then handed me a media release form.

" Excuse me?"

" Oh, we have to take your picture, preferably with one of the general managers. Then post it in public."

Fine.

She made me wait while she looked for a digital camera, somewhere in this vast casino of ours. After a century had passed she decided to come back. Now, it's time to badger one of the general managers - Barry. I didn't even know he was my boss until now. Maybe I've cut in line during dinner time in front of him and offended him in some way by not saying hi or acknowledging in some situation that he was my boss. I was standing there with my fake smile trying to hide those weird thoughts that were spinning in my head. She introduced us, then made us stand in the corner. I audaciously asked her if we were to pretend that the general manager was handing me the prize. She nodded her head vigorously in assent.

" Okay, ready...one, two, three, four...cheese!"

Seriously, who counts till four just to take a picture? By then, the model's smile would melt to a frown.

" Oops, I think the batteries are dying..."

That was so not a good sign. It meant that I might have to come back and deal with these people again. It meant that I might not have to enjoy a shopping spree for four hours before I've to get to work while the rest of the children in Africa were purging their stomachs out due to hunger.
It turned out that she just didn't know how to work the camera properly.

Anyway, we got it over with, amidst my snickering at the silliness of the situation. Barry was not so bad as a boss, he has humor. We said our goodbye's and thank you's and I left to buy my green mini Ipod. Yey.

By the time I got back to work again around seven, everybody that I knew , or actually ,almost everybody at the casino knew about my prize and wanted a cut ( only kidding, of course, but I'm sure, if I'd give them a percentage, they won't say no). The walls were vandalized by my picture. My ego was truly boosted to new heights that night. I was suddenly miss popular. Even people I don't usually engage in a conversation were talking to me just because of that ridiculous pose. Seriously though, it was embarrassing.

soap opera episode 004

2004-11-16T06:46:00.000-08:00

Kung nanonood lang ang mga diyos sa pelikula ng buhay ko, malamang, matagal na nilang minura ang pinilakang tabing. Hmmm...sa kabilang banda, siguro mas maaliw sila. Kasi naman, sobrang drama talaga. Ang daming kaekekan. Ako nga nasusuka paminsan sa mga kadramahan ng buhay ko.Tamo na lang ha. Di nga nilayasan ako ng magaling kong siyota. Pumunta ng 'Pinas. Tinakbuhan ang kaarawan ko. Eh di sabi ko, split muna kami. Ngayon, nasa trabaho ako. Nakapatay na telepono ko. Siya lang naman kasi ang tumatawag sa akin ng ganoong oras ng gabi. Kumbaga naisip ko na sayang lang ang baterya, at dahil wala siya sa bangkuber. Aba, nabuksan ko nang pauwi na ako. May voice messages daw ako. Tatlo. Ang unang dalawang voice message, binabaan lang ang tunog. Putris na 'to sa isip-isip ko, kaya nga naimbento ang lintek na voicemail, eh, para mag-iwan ka ng mensahe. Nang sa gayon, matawagan ka pabalik ng walang muwang na tinawagan mo. Bura tuloy ako ng bura. Mga taong 'to di nag-iisip, inaaksaya pa oras ko. Pagdating ng ikatlong mensahe, hulaan mo kung sino.

Si Bon.

" Hey, uh...Kathy ( parang nakalimutan pa niya pangalan ko), it's Bon, calling. I got your messages.."

Balik tayo doon sa mga iniwan kong mensahe.

Message 1" Hey Bon, it's Kathy calling. Call me back, duh."

Message 2" Hey Bon, it's Kathy calling. I'm just worried about you. Call me back, please. Okay, bye"Message 6" Bon, it's been bloody three days now. I think you're in fucking Philippines, so yeah, might as well fucking split up then."

Tinawagan ko ulit siya.Hindi ko pa sinasabi sa inyo, bata pa lang ako mahilig na ko sa away. Hindi naman sa mahilig. Lapitin lang ako ng kumplikasyon. Kaya nga basagulera, eh (bansag ng guro ko noong ikalimang baitang). Ano pa, eh di nakipag-away ako.

" I'm not gonna bother with you anymore, Bon. "
" I got mugged in the airport, got stranded."

Pinaiyak pa ako.

" Get to my house then. If you don't, then don't bother calling me anymore."

Sumakay nga ng taksi, sumakay ng tren. Kaso mo, iyong tren, hindi pupunta doon sa pupuntahan niya. Wala nang biyahe dahil disoras na ng gabi. Dito, sa " the best place to live on earth" kuno, natutulog ang mga tren. Bahala ka na kung wala kang masakyan kahit holdap ang presyo ng buwanang pasahe. Ngayon walang masakyan 'tong si Bon. Malas niya talaga. Ginising pa niya iyong kaibigan niya para lang ihatid siya. Naging sadista pa ako ngayon.

Pagdating niya ng bahay, pinapasok ko agad.

" Let me see your face "

Pumayat siya. Isang linggo lang, ha. Mukha nga yatang natuluyan sa takot 'to. Ewan ko pero nang hinarap niya na ako, bigla na lang umigkas ang kamay ko't kusa siyang sinampal. Tahimik ang gabi at maririnig mo ang plak isang kanto mula sa bahay namin. Oh di ba, drama.Hindi na ako galit sa kanya. Tapos na iyon, eh. At ewan ko kung pagpapakagaga nga itong ginagawa kong pakikisama sa kanya. Basta ang mahalaga, kami.

mini reklamo kay Alfie

2004-11-14T06:45:00.000-08:00

Biyernes

Ginising ako ng telepono ko. Ewan ko, ha. Kung kailan akong nasa kasarapan talaga ng tulog, saka naman ako mabubulabog ng tawag. Galing daw sa trabaho. Lintek, naisip ko. Dapat ba akong magtrabaho ngayon at ginigising nila ako?

Sa babae iyong boses. Hindi ko naman kakilala. Michelle daw. Galing sa departamento ng human resources. May atraso ba ako?

" I called to tell you that you won?"

Ha? Nanalo daw ako ng gift certificate na nagkakahalaga ng limang daang dolyar mula sa isang mall dito. Okay. Sa buong buhay ko, ngayon lang ako nanalo sa isang contest na bunutan nang pangalan. Yey. Ayos na ang panggastos ko para sa mga regalo sa Pasko.
Makukuha ko sa Linggo o Lunes.
Hindi na ako nakatulog ulit.

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Tinanong sa akin ng mga kaibigan ko kung anong gusto kong regalo. Sabi ko scanner. Noong nasa tindahan na kami, nagbago isip ko bigla. Bibili na lang ako ng mini Ipod. Sabi ko bigyan na lang nila akong pera pambayad doon. Tapos nabanggit ko, noong binabayaran ko na, na nanalo ako ng $500 nga. Napatigil si Johnny.

" Why don't you just get your certificate then look for it in Richmond Centre instead of here?"

O nga naman. Ang engot ko talaga. Eh kaso, nabili ko na. Kaya hayan, ang mini Ipod, nakatunganga lang sa kuwarto ko, nasa loob ng kahong selyado pa. Isosoli ko na lang kapag sigurado na akong makukuha ko nga ito ng libre sa ibang tindahan gamit ang certificate na napanalunan ko daw.

Ewan ko na lang kung bibigyan pa ako ng regalo nito.

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Kumain kami sa Cactus Club. Okay naman ang pagkain doon, kaso ang ingay. Sobra. Bukod sa mga dakdakan ng mga kustomer ay malakas pa ang musika. Dapat ambience lang, eh. Tradisyon na namin kasing magkakaibigan na kumain at manood ng sine kapag mayroong may kaarawan. Pagkatapos kong lantakan ang libreng ribs dumiretso kami sa sinehan. Dapat Team America panonoorin namin kaso napanood na ni Johnny. Okay lang naman daw mapanood niya ulit kaso si Mayuka, nasayangan sa pera. Ayoko naman ng cartoons ( The Incredibles). Ayaw rin ila ng korning Saw. Ako rin ayaw ko. Mala-Hannibal Lecter iyong kuwento yata. Mas maiging basahin kaysa panoorin. Iyong Bridget Jones naman puno na daw. Kaya napasok kami sa Alfie. Tungkol sa playboy. Hindi naantig ang damdamin ko, hindi rin naman ako natawa. Napaismid lang, napangiti. Kumabaga parang walang kinang ang sine. Ulam na walang asin. Kahit sagot nila, pinagsisihan kong nanood kami ng sine ng araw na iyon.

panayang ng espasyo

2004-11-11T06:42:00.001-08:00

Wala nang kuwenta talaga ang mga pinagsususulat ko. Makinilyang mekaniko na lang ang nangyayari. Bawat tipa ng letra'y nagluluwal ng mga salitang walang kaluluwa. Hindi ko alam kung saan nag-ugat ang pagkawala ng damdamin ng mga akda ko. Marahil, ngayon, nagbago na naman ako, mas naging ako't nabawasan ng pakiramdam. Teka...ang drama.Hindi ko alam. Ni isang sandali ng buhay ko'y malimit dumapo ang ligaya. Suicidal.
Takot naman akong magpakamatay. Iniisip kong hindi ko kayang sumuko. Ipinanganak yata akong palaban, kahit talo na'y sige pa rin. Puro pasa na't malakas na ang agos ng luha't sipon ay sige pa rin. Masyado akong mayabang (lahat daw ng maliliit ganoon, tamo boss ko, may higanteng pick-up, eh kailangan pa niya ng hagdanan para lang makapasok doon). Tamo, kapal ng mukha kong mag-blog, wala naman akong masabing may kwenta.
May patutunguhan ba to?Lahat ng ideya'y gamit na. Pinagsawaan nang ikuwento ng iba. Isang sirkulo lang iyan, asong ulol na naghahabol ng buntot. Paulit-ulit lang.Gaya ng mga letra dito.
Ano, nabawasan na ba ng ilang minuto ang buhay mo?Hindi ka makakahanap ng katuturan dito.Teka nga...ang gulo na.

sugapa

2004-11-11T06:42:00.000-08:00

Dealer ako ng poker. Uso na naman sa North America 'tong larong 'to. Makikita mo sa telebisyon ang libong tournament na may libong manlalaro. Padami ng padami ang mga taong nag-iisip na mas makakakita sila ng pera sa paglalaro ng poker kaysa sa pagtratrabaho. Sama mo na ako doon.Totoo naman.Biro mo, para kang athlete, maglalaro ka lang, may bayad na. Kaso pera mo ang puhunan, wala kang makukuhang sponsor maliban na lang kung talagang sikat ka at kinuha kang model/spokeperson/representative ng bagong linya ng cap o di naman kaya'y sunglasses. (Kasi karamihan ng poker players mga lalaki na walang fashion sense, tingin nila cool ang magtago sa likod ng salamin at sombrero. Kaso mo wala namang poker player ang magpapauto na bumili ng sombrero't salamin na pinapauso ng sikat kuno na poker player.)Hanap-buhay na talaga nila iyon. Pupunta sa casino't maglalaro, bibingwit ng mga uto-uto't bobong mga manlalarong magpapamudmod ng pera nila. Nakikita ko iyon. Kapag umuuwi ang ibang manlalaro, maliit na ang limang daan bawat gabi. Wala pang kaltas ng buwis iyon mula sa gobyerno. Buong buo mong makukuha. Siyempre dahil nga ang titulo mo'y unemployed kapag ganoon ang 'hanapbuhay' mo, wala kang babayaran para sa medikal mong pangangailangan. Pwede ka pang humingi ng sustento sa gobyerno. Kasi nga 'wala kang makitang trabaho'.Mukhang madali lang namang maglaro, eh. Kung kaya't noong nagyaya kanina si Vivian, sumama akong maglaro. Punta nga kaming blueboy. Slang iyon para sa The Grand Casino. Ewan bakit blueboy tawag. Ang liit lang ng kasino na iyon. Pangit pa. Luma na ang carpet, walang gaanong naglalaro at medyo madumi tingnan. Bugnutin pa ang mga dealer. Hindi man lang makangiti. Isang oras kaming naghintay ni Vivian at Chris para lang makaupo sa isang poker table. Andoon pa mga supervisor namin. Ano ba yan. Lumiliit ang mundong pinagsusugalan namin. Aaminin kong sugal na talaga ito. Madalas kasi, kapag lumalabas kami ng mga kaibigan ko'y laro lang talaga ang ginagawa ko. Ngayon, seryosohan na.Ilang beses din naman akong nanalo. Nanginginig pa nga ang mga kamay ko. Nagpuhunan akong sisenta, nadoble ko pera ko. Hindi na masama dahil kung tutuusin dalawang oras lang naman kami sa mesa. Kumabaga sa pumapatak ng kuwarenta dolyares ang presyo ng isang oras kong 'trabaho'. Kung sana'y may lakas lang ako ng loob, aaraw-arawin ko talaga itong pagsusugal.

birthday cakes

2004-11-09T06:41:00.000-08:00

Mukha yata akong patay-gutom pa rin. Siguro gusto nila akong patabain. Kasi lahat ng mga friendly friends ko, well karamihan sa mga nag-abala, cake ang ibinigay. Hindi naman ako nagrereklamo, nagtataka lang. Noong Sabado, dahil pilay si Teresa at hindi makapaglamyerda, sa bahay na lang nila kami. May inuman pa rin, pero hindi ako naglasing. Ayoko nang mamaga ang mga kamay ko't mangati na naman. Nagluto siya at for dessert, hayan na. Cake, cake at cake pa rin. ( At sinama ako sa pagsisimba)Pagdating sa trabaho, co-workers kong nakakaalam, bigay sa akin, cake. Heto ngayon, habang sinusulat ko, nginangata ko yung espresso mocha flavor daw (espresso na nga, mocha pa). Sa mga talagang matagal-tagal ko nang nagiging kaibigan, sana naman hindi lang cake bibigay nila. Sawa na ako sa cake. Oo na nga, reklamadora talaga ako. Kasi gusto ko ng scanner. Tinanong pa nila ako kung anong gusto ko, ha. Sana bigay na lang nila sa akin. Mura lang naman iyon. Pag walang scanner pera na lang. Malalaman ko sa Biyernes kung pera ba o scanner ang ibibigay nila. Ngayon sinasabi ko na gusto ko, last year kasi, mahahalay binibigay nilang regalo noong sinabi kong kahit ano na lang maisipan nilang ibigay. At least ngayon, hindi ko na kailangang i-plaster ang ngiti sa mukha ko. Sana. (* Hindi nakatulong ang pagsisimba sa pagbabawas ng pagkamateryoso ko)

dugtong dugtong na bugtong

2004-11-07T06:39:00.000-08:00

Napakaraming bakit ang sumisiksik sa isipan ko. Nagkakauntugan na nga sila, nagkakapalitan na ng anghit. Padami ng padami ang populasyon ng bakit, samahan pa ng mga bastardong papaano. Hindi ako mapakali, kausap ko na ang boss ko, iyon at iyon pa rin ang lumilitaw, pilit na humuhulagpos at bumabalot sa kukote ko. Kaya naman kahit sa pagtulog, ikaw na lang ang nasa isip ko. Hindi maikakaila, nag-iwan ka ng bakat na sadyang hndi na siguro mabubura. Magaling ka ring pumili ng tiyempo, kaya naman kahit galit ako sa iyo, bilib pa rin ako. Siniguro mong hindi kita makakalimutan. At sigurado ako, bawat paglapit ng kaarawan ko'y ikaw ang maaalala ko. Alam ko, lilipas din ito. Lahat naman ng bagay may hangganan. Darating rin ang panahon na burado ka na sa aking gunita. Pero sa ngayon, makukuntento muna akong sinasampal ka sa mga panaginip ko.

fairies and whores-halloween weekend entry

2004-11-02T06:37:00.001-08:00

Friday

The poker room was packed. It was hella ass hot. And most people are on tilt, which means they are irritated about not making money on the game. My supervisor took me to the side and told me I had to stay. I argued with him that I can't do overtime. I have to come back at seven in the fucking morning because the so-called human resources officers don't give a shit about our circadian circles. Of course I gave him the short version of that reason. I'm not about to commit employment suicide at this point because I am desperate for a job to fund my excesses. It's either they let me go now or they have to pay me double time when I have to work at seven the following morning. So he let me go.

Besides Bon was waiting for me downstairs. I don't want to give out excuses to my boyfriend when he went out of his way just to pick me up.

Saturday

Morning

Bon came home at three in the morning. Woke my ass up with his cold hands.

" Don't forget, you promised to take me to work at six."

He could barely put on clothes after three hours so I had to call my friend to drive me to work. Vivian was still sleeping. If I hadn't called her, she would have missed the day entirely. She picked me up at the skytrain after seven minutes, puffy faced and altogether edgy.

"Put on your seatbelt." That was all she said then drove madly down the highway. We made it in time, enough time to eat breakfast.

Afternoon

I've learned to be a bitch regarding my job. I've talked back to players and gave them attitude just so they can shut up. I'm afraid I've become jaded with this work of mine. Maybe it's better to crunch up numbers after all.

I got out and headed straight to downtown. Johnny paged me that his friend John had an extra ticket to his co-worker's halloween birthday bash. I accepted and thus this emergency shopping spree. All my cash was eaten up by shopping online. A quick fix was needed. Being a fairy was inexpensive. I already have the weird skimpy clothes. All I have to get are seven dollar wings and some 99 cent glitter.

Night

It took two hours just to apply the drag queen make-up. I had fase lashes, stars on my face and glowing skin. More like sticky skin. Not to mention the gagging smell of hairspray on my now silver hair. I surveyed my reflection in front of the looking glass one last time to the tune of Johnny's car honking. A scary fairy. Something to grant you nightmares not dreams. Oh well.

I forgot there was pubcrawl during helloween. A bunch of college kids would get together in a bus and hop from one club to the next. By the time we got to Aubar, it was already packed. The crowd consisted of college kids, college drop-outs and old-timers who'd want to hit on college kids and drop-outs. I had to fight my way to get in since some drunks tried to grab my gothic scary fairy ass. I'm supposed to be weird, not cute and cuddly. Fuck off.

We met up with Leah and apparently it was her birthday bash. I was surprised when I saw her, not because of her 'classy whore' ( as aptly named by herself ) moulin rouge inspired outfit but because of the fact that we work together. She was in guest services at the same casino, a friend of John's. Small world. John didn't tell me that she worked for gcc (great canadian casinos) too. We hardly talk at work and there we were, laughing and grinding on the dance floor.

Midnight came with Michael Jackson screaming- " Thriiileeer, thriieeeler, night!". Somebody dropped a drink and there were broken glass everywhere yet nobody seemed to notice.

there was that something

2004-11-02T06:37:00.000-08:00

There was that something. That certain something. A tingling at the back of my consciousness slowly scratching its way to the surface of my irises till it will, surely, gnaw at my very own lips. I can't grab its claws, stare it in the eye and ultimately send it to oblivion. There is that fear of losing what is familiar though it only serves to give me this itch. Impulsively, I ended it. Telling myself that there is nothing that I need save for myself alone. And that's how it's going to be from now on, alone, without that certain something, gnawing at my own lips. That very same certain something that cradles me close and keeps the nightmares away.